Time doesn't heal all pain

The most heard-off wish of those freshly out of a relationship seems to be one that hopes the partner simply disappear and vanish into thin air so there's nothing to grieve about, think of and pine after. That was exactly what I wanted when my ex left me totally heart-broken. Out of sight and hopefully out of mind. And up until last night, I still think that it would be fine when he's leaving for home in October. Then all things changed after I had an awful dream last night that ended up with me in tears bawling away in bed alone.

Last night, I dreamt that I was out with my ex for the very last time before he flew back home. We were walking on the streets and were joined by his friend before we walked into a mall. Then, I couldn't catch up with them cos they were all walking way too fast and I was getting upset about that and shouted at him while they're riding the escalator up to the second floor of the mall. I was reduced into tears by the frustration and I was yelling my lungs out to him on the second floor saying that all I wanted was to spend his last day here alone with him for I wouldn't see him again after. For some strange reason in my dream, he said he would be back in January. Only that in reality, he won't and he would be gone for good.

I woke up crying hysterically cos I really don't want him to go and just vanish in my life. I know he's not dead but being in a whole different continent is really as bad. I don't want him to be out of sight and I know he'll never be out of mind. Having him gone makes it feel like having part of what makes me who I am ripped out of me and suddenly that makes me feel lost. And I'm dreading for his departure cos I really wouldn't know how I would breakdown. I'm afraid of the imminent pain that will come along cos the emotional wound I'm now still nursing is enough to make me sob alone everynight.

Everyone says time heals all wound. To be honest, much as I really want to believe, I'm a total skeptic. I'm not a pessimist but I don't think pain just goes away like that. Time subsides all pain but it doesn't make it go away. It only makes it easier to bear cos you get used to it and know better how to handle it everytime pain comes assult your heart.

I hate to talk pessimistic and gloomy but then I realize as you grow older, more pain starts to accumulate in your heart be it old or new. And honestly, I dunno how to have more to look forward to cos with every nice things that you experience, you probably have another bad things to add onto your emotional baggage. I dunno if it's really all worth it, especially when I've come to doubt time's ability as a pain relief remedy.

As of now, I know it sounds terribly morbid but I really hope I won't wake up anymore after I fall asleep tonight. At least perhaps the pain will stop....

Muriel's Wedding & Dvds addiction.

The other day, I watched this fantastic aussie movie called Muriel's Wedding and it's now one of my favorite movies. Great story line worked out in the most humorous manner. In the movie, Muriel's this ugly geeky goober chick among her ditsy barbie-dollesque bimbo mates. Every chick's either getting hitched or was attached and Muriel's clearly the one left on the shelf. She's been dreaming of getting married herself her entire life and ya da ya da ya da, after much struggle with self-image and all, she did have a bogus marriage which didn't satisfy her and she finally found herself through a series of events like the death of her mom and her best friend's condition with cancer.

Okay, those kind of silent triumph that makes you roll a feel salty tears of joy as you cheer for the protagonist's victory in life. I LOVE the movie and I thought that this is the kind of movie that I would love to watch on a daily basis cos it's probably the closest it can get from my own life. Well, clearly my life's a far-fetch comparison to films like Pride&Prejudice or the murder thrillers along the likes of Match Point. Movies like Muriel's Wedding really strike a cord in my heartstring cos it's something I can relate to. BUT.....

Yes, there's always a "BUT" in many things in life. Okay, well, but I've come to the painful realization that there seems to have no silent triumph in line for me. Well, like I said before, I seem to be running on a standstill where there's nothing much happening in my life and everything's just like a lukewarm cup of flavorless tea. So where the hell is MY own silent triumph gonna come from?? Oh dear, now that is indeed depressing.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I can't stand anything lukewarm and mediocre. It's like there's no trough and no climax, everything's just dull. In a sick and sadistic manner, I'd rather be going through some negative drama rather than having things lukewarm like now cos at least when I'm in the pits, I do feel alive cos the pain and distress that comes along tell me that I'm still alive and breathing, be it struggling. And you know that when things are really rock bottom and so low, the only way is up and you can just ride through the lousy time and look forward to the high that is something like sweet victory. Right now, things are just too lukewarm, I'm neither struggling nor thriving, only breathing. And that's not good enough cos you don't even know if this is nastily placid phase's gonna be here for awhile. Not good really.

I guess perhaps that's why I have bipolar disorder cos I thrive on such extremes in life much as I would like to deny it. And I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so addicted to watching dvds on a daily basis these days. It simply gives me something to look forward to when I come home cos no matter how lousy my day is or how dull work gets, I know that my boring little daily life stops the movie I slot a movie into the dvd player and press play on the remote. In a matter of seconds, I get shipped into these vicarious lives of all the movie characters....great isn't it? Oh well.....I'm still waiting for something interesting to happen.

Clean slate or stand still?

It's been awhile since I was actively blogging really. So much has happened and I've been thrown off kilter. I guess when things start to overwhelm, words just don't come out that easily. For me at least, cos I get way too tired emotionally to write it down and express it. Also because I'm afraid of doing so cos it might set off some majorly tumultuous emotions that will left me in an emotional wreck that's impossible to salvage. So I just left it as it is.

But I guess I'm kinda ready to start off on a clean slate. Well, not entirely clean cos honestly, there can never be a clean slate in anyone's life if you think about it. Except that you try to tell yourself that tomorrow will be a different day and you painstakingly try to leave everything before behind. But really, you can never quite escape you past cos they always come and bite you in your ass when you least expect them to.

My heart's been so horrible and utterly broken about three months ago and the last three months have been pretty tough, and possibly the toughest patch in my life. I guess I still can't fathom how someone who claims to love you can just decide to walk out on you on the basis that he just doesn't feel much anymore. Yeah, but he loves you, so how does that work really? But I guess some things in life can never have a proper answer. That's fine realy cos it's not the first time this happens but it's definitely the worst. I hate it when you have to leave all the great friendships you've made through your partner behind at the demise of a relationship. Honestly, and from the bottom of my heart, I love his family. I guess it's got to do with the fact that I've never got much experience of a close-knit family life and it's just something that I've come to long for. To have these new-formed ties cut off simply breaks my heart the second round. Well, the problem is, even if you try to keep in touch, it's not the same anymore cos you can't relate to them as how you did before cos things changed.

I got rather pensive and affected after my mom called the other day. She said my aunt has heard that I have yet another failed relationship and she's telling my mom that she might want to introduce some young man of honorable character (geez...that's what they all claim isn't it?) to me cos my aunt feel that it's really sad to grow old and die alone. She related to my mom how horrible she felt when she saw some of the people she knew having a horrible lonely time growing old and having no kids to look after them. Well I understand where she's coming from and I also know that it sucks to die alone. I even joked about it with my friends on how I would probably slip and fall to death and rot off in my bathroom when I'm old if I have no kids to rescue me out of that lethal predicament. But to have someone THINK that you might well be going down that pathetic path is a totally different thing. Cos the fact that someone's thinking that you might be going down that way means that your chance of that happening is getting more realistic. It's tragic really. I hate that and it makes me feel sorry for myself even I don't think I am in such a sorry state. Sometimes, you really shouldn't underestimate the power people have over you to trip you into a state of self-pity just because they feel sorry for you when they have no bloody idea that you're perfectly fine and kicking. It's really pathetic.

So I guess, Welcome quarter-life crisis! But then again, I get that every three weeks or so...nothing new, nothing has changed....clean slate? I'm not quite sure about that really. Perhaps I might even be running on a standstill without ever knowing it.

I hate MIA

I hate it when I have to go call the person instead when he comes back from holiday. Shouldn't there at least be a brief courtesy call to inform you the other half you're back from a trip safe? No, apparently not this time cos I messaged to no reply and have to end up calling him and he just told me "Oh I was just about to call you" and when I asked what time did the flight touched down, it's " It's about an hour ago"

What the fuck? It takes more than an hour to call someone??

I don't mean to be annoying and uptight about this calling matters but then sorry, I have had really bad experience with a fucking asshole who just didn't quite call back after his fucking golfing trip in Thailand and where's my current beau just off to just this weekend? Thailand too. Now you can't blame me for over-reacting cos I had it real bad the last time and it's almost like a brain muscle memory thing to jump into an angry defensive mode when I hear nothing from him.

I'm angry and I find it impossible to calm down and I feel like crying too. Fucking hell. Even when he told me he missed me, it's all bulls cos if he really did, he would have call me first thing he touched down. Fucking hell!

McFucker

MacDonald's total shit. Not becos of the fat laden, 5-year-old frozen meat patty that they use and the lousy food they churn out and neither is it that they use child labour but for the fact that they're such unethical copy cat.

Of late, good ole Mac came out with a rice burger and that shits me cos they copy Mos Burger. What's totally despicable of MacDonald is that they took away Mos Burger unique selling point ie. the Japanese rice burger! It's a case of big fish swallowing the small fish, big brother bullying the small boy.




MacDonaldlisation is what they're trying to do. Wiping out smaller players and what's so horrible of MacDonald is that Mos burger's not even a threat to them cos they have less than half the number of outlets compared to MacDonald. Why can't McFucker fucking leave Mos burger alone and come out with something original? What a fucking copy cat! Shame on them!

Festive Shit

I hate the festive seasons. I hate the fact that I'm expected to be doing something happening in order to make these festive holidays a worth-while one.

Every year around the 20th and 29th December or 29th Dec, everyone I run into would be asking me what I'll be planning for Christmas day or new year. And when I come out with an answer that's less impressive than the likes of downing 10 tequilla shots and dancing the night away on the slut platform at the hottest club in town, I'll usually get the "But you're supposed to be having heaps of fun, why not go do something???" or "You mean you're not gonna go for countdown??"

I'm annoyed really. I mean, why can't I just vegetate at home and watch DVD and play Mario Kart on the Playstation? Why is it that if I do my usual ubiquitous lazy sunday routine of chilling out by doing nothing, I'm considered wasting these holidays away?? It's such a stupid thing really. To start with, Christmas has totally lost its meaning. It's supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ (whom ironically wasn't born on the 25 December, in fact, some say he's not even born in the month of December) but it's become some overly commercialized shit where everyone uses it as an excuse to spend,shop, get pissed drunk and eat heaps of hormone-jabbed turkey. It is so-called the season of joy and giving they say. And you also see many countries spending tons of money on Christmas lights plus the electricity to power it. It's very nice of course but then why are we only sharing joy and gift among those that we know? How about instead of pumping millions of dollar decorating the city, we donate those millions to the third world and people who's never even dreamt of smelling the aroma of roast stuffed turkey?

And this whole new year count down shit. What's with the crap about "oh it's a new beginning?". I don't believe in it cos time doesn't stop for you and you can't afford to wait for the end of one calendar year to reflect on what you've done so far cos what if you die tomorrow and never get to see the next year? Again, I see it as an excuse for self indulgence on booze and food. It's so meaningless.

So here you go. I'll try not to ask someone what they're planning for Christmas or New Year cos somehow I still get sucked into the habit of asking. I'll try to stop it for now.

Tabloid Junkie

I need rehab badly! I guess tabloid's got to do with the slow disappearance of my blog cos I've been spending way too much time finding out what Paris, Nicole, Jessica, Lindsay, Brat and Jennifer are up to. Yup, I'm almost at first name basis with the celebs thanks to my daily dose of trashy tabloid gossips.

I remember it all started on the day of London bombing in July. I was stuck in an apartment in Westminster and sick of watching the replay of frantic people dashing out of the tube station the umpteenth time (they just never had up-to-the minute update), I've innocently picked up a copy of tabloid. And then like they all say, the rest is history. I'm hooked.

Everytime I picked up a copy of tabloid and start reading, I get a major rush and I read it cover to cover while polluting my mind with the who's sleeping with whom of hollywood. First, it's a once weekly dose of New Weekly (the Aussie version, it's the best and most updated) but before I know it, my addiction has pushed me to a twice weekly dose of New Weekly and Who (also the Aussie version) magazine. I can't seem to get enough. And now, I'm on my twice a day habit of www.trent.blogspot.com and www.hollywoodrag.com

I can never quite survive a day without my daily fix of tabloid and I'm forever itching for the next fix. It seems that tabloid makes me forget about all my problems by bringing me into this whole vicarious world of hollywood glitz, glamour and gossips. It's a great distraction especially when you're desperately trying to get over the day's frustration or PMS. It's that vouyeur in me that constantly craves cos I'm perpetually curious about how other people live their lives. Probably becos I'm not quite sure how life is supposed to be actually.

Thing is, I probably never wanna go into rehab for tabloid addiction cos I just need it for my own sanity. It's bad I know but then again, a bit of bad stuff is good for the system (or not?). And I've proudly bought myself a tee shirt that reads "Tabloid Junkie" and paraded in it in full glory yesterday. Now, gimme more tabloid!!