Things that changed or happened during my blog hiatus

1. I've started working out 3 times a week with a personal trainer. At Verve Studio. Powerplate rocks!
2. I can now do push-up like a guy and according to my personal trainer, I do it better than most guys..muahaha
3. Gotten much fitter with a super healthy body fat percentage of 17% (smirk smirk...that's the body fat percentage of athlete..heehee) as of now, down from a high 27%
4. I'm working in a hospital now
5. I've gotten 4 new tattoos
6. My sinus problems were gone cos I had surgery to fix my deviated septum and it was a bloody surgery...for once, I can really breathe now!
7. Have strangely developed asthma due to a bad reaction to the general anaesthesia for my septum surgery. I now need an inhaler on & off
8. I've got Trigger Finger on my left pinky thanks to over-practicing cello...had to go for acupuncture to fix it. It sometimes recurs :(
9. Had a pretty bad concussion from passing out after having too much to drink
10. Am pretty sure the role of Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy is written for me. I AM Meredith Grey
11. I've picked up surfing and now loves it
12. Picked up cello but have been very lazy about it
13. Had some magazine appearances. 2 interviews with Harpers Bazaar and 2 for Cleo
14. I live alone now. My sister has moved to Hong Kong for the time being
15. I'm now single again
16. I've crashed and burnt 3947398793 times
17. Have got my heart broken a few times
18. I've been cheated on a couple of times
19. Experienced the death of a very close friend who died from a rare lung conditions at age 29. RIP Jac, I miss you and you've been and always will be an inspiration
20. I've amassed a collection of nice handbags. Woot...
21. Am now a Mac user with my macbook, I hate PCs
22. Developed a love for G Shock and am now collecting
23. Downsized my wardrobe a hell lot, threw out lots of old stuff and became very selective in buying clothes
24. Now owns some pretty damn nice egyptian cotton sheets of 1000 thread-count
25. Am still in love with Hello Kitty and proud of it
26. I've also amassed a lot of debt and got out of it thanks to my dad...I'm totally not proud of it (some things don't change I know)
27. I'm a recovering "taxi-holic" and "tabloid-holic"...once you get comfort, it's hard to live without it...and tabloid, I've cut down from my weekly purchase of Australia "New Weekly" to occasional buy
28. I STILL have zero savings
29. I've got to know an asshole whom I've been on & off with for 2 years now and I think I'm about to cut him off totally
30. I've learned to cook quite a lot of different dishes...I'm pretty good with pasta these days
31. My cat, Mr Bond, has lost both his balls...he got neutered last year so he doesn't spray everywhere anymore
32. My cat, Mr Bond, is now known as Fatty Bond Bond cos he's since gained a lot of weight and now weighs a hefty 5.6 kg
33. Have learnt how to give a fat cat injection on my own with no help
34. My hair has gone long and short a couple of times and black to brown and then brown to black and brown again many times
35. Have gone on Lexapro and off it and on it
36. Have slacked off yoga a lot
37. Have gone back to eating some bit of meat, but mostly fish cos need the protein to build muscle
38. Have amassed more books...more and more
39. Have got new close friends and got rid of some long-time old friends
40. Experienced super major office politics that warrents TVB script and a show of its own
41. Am now in my big three-O
42. Even more jaded now but still light-hearted
43. Started smoking, quit, smoke, quit, smoke and the cycle still hasn't stopped
44. Have become a damn good counsellor, specializing in relationship issues
45. Have finally learned how to type in Chinese

November Muse

Reading: Fountainhead by Ayn Rand....Ohhh, it's one of my favorite books and I just have to re-read it to be inspired....

Watching: Grey's Anatomy Season 6...after so many seasons, it still hasn't lost its mojo unlike Gossip Girl...

Listening: 1)Ingrid Michaelson "Be Ok"...old album but still her best 2) Lily Allen "It's not me, it's you"...I'm STILL listening to it after so long 3) Rilo Kiley "Under the Blacklight"

Wearing: J Brand ankle grazer jeans, Juliet Has a Gun Miss Charming perfume...smells a bit like Stella McCartney but well, cool name, cool packing..., good old Tommy Girl Perfume...just suddenly like its freshness all over again

Using: Ettusais Eye Zone Massage Essence & Eye Zone tinted color essence

Eating: 1) My very own pasta! White wine cream sauce with clams, mushrooms and capsicum topped with freshly grated parmasen cheese...yum! 2) See's Gourmet Lollipop..simply divine! Pity Singapore doesn't sell it!

And exactly what's so bad about me???

Insecurity....they're like some seriously bad flu....you get it every now and then, and you feel horrible, struggle with it and wait for it to go away or you do something to make it go away.

Lately, after the latest crash and burn saga with the Austrian hunky dory I dated, I got hit by this nasty flu. Big Time. It bruised my delicate pride and ego so much that I could feel my sense of self-assurance and confidence getting sucked out of my body. Feel-good factor hit rock bottom. Self-image went down the drain. Self-worth plumaged. *cue xanax and prozac*

But Why? Because he picked some skanky girl over me. Excuse me? A skanky girl? I would feel less upset and insulted if he scandaled with someone a wee bit more decent and with more class. But a skank?

To me, I'd rather not know who he had gone after but well, this time, I did and I could see who she is. So as what most people would do, I went into her blog and snooped at the chick who took my man and there...it robbed me of whatever confidence left..not because she's so damn great that I feel like a nobody next to her but because I really think he down-cheated.

I'm not saying this because of jealousy cos I'm pretty much over him and I have objective friends to vouch for my judgment, but the other girl is just...is just...not there...not adequate! She's cute yes but she hasn't got much substance. Bad tacky sense of fashion (typical skanky type), supposedly some English teacher but has bad grammar and English, bloody fake accent depending on the race of the man she dates, attention-seeking media whore, doesn't have much sense of a humor and doesn't have much taste in music and arts. And no, they didn't sleep together when I called it quit so you can't say that she's better in bed (I don't think it's much of an issue considering HIS "short-coming", literally)...

So now I really don't know why he chose her over me....yes my friends will tell me that he's got bad taste but then what happens when you genuinely thinks that you're a better catch but yet still feel bad and insecure? I wish there's a magic pill to make the bad lousy feeling go away...

I don't feel much of that these days but today, somehow I'm reminded of that feeling and at its full-fledge mode some weeks ago, it ate me up inside...but still, I fight it whenever it attacks me. Thankfully, I've regained my sense of balance and poise finally and I could feel my mojo seeping back in.

But somehow I had the last laugh cos guess what? The skanky girl dumped him and went back to her ex-boyfriend...perhaps there really is karma police after all.....or is there?

Back in Business

So I'm back....my last entry was in October 2006 and that's a good 3 years ago! So much has happened and yet quite some things have remained the same...

First up, I've crashed and burnt 2438934793749 times and I'm still a singleton. The last crashed and burnt account happened in 1 October whereby some very hot Austrian guy I dated was caught lying and he was actually dating other girl....in a way, I'm relieved in retrospect though at that point, I was totally horrified...at least now I don't have to put up with his erm, short-comings....yes, literally...go figure....But now, after weeks of moping around, I'm quite happy being single. Been on couple of dates but well, they've been as bland as warm water passing off as soup. But I'm quite at peace now...so yes, the crash and burn track record of mine has remained unchanged...still crashing and burning since 1998!

Everything else more or less has changed a bit. I've switched 2 jobs since and now relatively happier...now I'm back to living alone again now that my sister has gone back to Hong Kong for a bit...and the most unwelcoming change is probably the fact that my lovely boy Mr Bond has developed recurring urinary tract infection :(

In fact, he's sick now and he was rushed to the vet at night last Thursday and it was a quite a happening vet trip with a hysterical husky with a bone wedged in his mouth, a loud-mouthed white chick who later passed out and knocked her forehead on the floor and had to go to human hospital....Well, Bond hasn't got better that much and yesterday, again, was taken to the vet but was sent home after getting a subcutaneous IV drip and he's still the same today...I'm super worried now....

I hate to say this but I worry more about Mr Bond than my own grandpa when sickness is concerned. With animals, you really don't have a clue how they're feeling cos they can't talk...human's different...I would gladly give a year of my life in exchange of his recovery cos I don't want to live that long anyway...

The funny thing is that, medical bill for animals are so much higher than that of human kind. Mr Bond's emergency (after hours) consultation alone cost $214 bucks and the whole bill came up to $328 on Thursday night and yesterday his bill was $49.50...If it's me who got Urinary Track Infection, it would have cost 30 bucks, a couple of cranberry juice and 1.5 day for full recovery... oh well....

Oh...I forgot to say that another thing that's remained unchange is my bank account status...I'm still as broke as before....

Dear God, please Bring Croc Hunter Back!

All I ever want this Christmas is for Steve Irwin the legendary Crocodile Hunter to come back to life. His death left me terribly heart-broken and it's really the worst news I've heard for a long while. It's totally ruined my day and it's got to be on a Monday that he died. I haven't really recovered from the shock and grieve of this devastating news. This world has seriously lost a very precious soul who dedicated his life to the preservation of wildlife and environment.

I've been getting quite some puzzled comments regarding my sadness of this news cos some of my friends think that I've been over-reacting from his death. Clearly, I feel so much for him is the fact that I've been a major supporter of his shows where he's displayed so much fervent in what he did and felt for. His love and passion for wildlife and animals made him so full of life. It's a far cry from so many people who live their lives half asleep, surviving a daily drawl without feeling much for anything. I admire his drive for things he so strongly believed in cos so very often people do have something they feel passionate about but the frustration of daily life simply extinguishes that fire in them. Think about it, how many kids actually follow through with their dreams of wanting to be an astrounaut, pilot or the under-rated and underpaid firefighter? What happened to that wild crazy dreams we think of when we were young? Well, Steve Irwin followed through with his at least.

I feel so much sadness also because the fact that he's a great person who's contributed so much in the preservation of wildlife. He actually bought plots of forest with the money he made from his documentaries so that that bit of forest can be preserved and nobody can ruin it with deforestation. It's not everyday that we come across someone who put in that much effort into such a commendable cause.

What really broke my heart is the thought of the pain his family has to go through. He's survived by his wife Terri, his 8-year-old daughter Bindi-sue and 3-year-old son Bob whom he controversially brought into the croc pool a couple of years back. It was on Australian national television that he openly expressed his love for his family just about 2 months ago. In it, he said his family was everything to him and he loved his wife so damn much still even though they've been together for almost 20 years.

To be honest, if people like Brad Pitt or someone along that line dies, I really wouldn't feel a thing nor flinch a muscle cos they're just fictional character in some make-believe Hollywood flicks. But Steve was always himself in all his shows and that made him so real to me. I'm watching him, and not some alter-ego persona in motion picture and that makes me feel as if I know him because of his sincerity and passion in life.

It's said that he didn't suffer much when he died, I really hope so but as they all said, he died doing something he loved so much and that's probably how he would want to go anyway. I dunno...it still makes me really sad....I just hope he's gone to a better world with all his croc pals in heaven. I'm pretty sure God would take care of him and build him a zoo.....

Rest in peace Steve. We all miss you so very dearly.....

Stupid girl, stupid girl.....

Something interesting happened lately. I dreamt of some long time primary school friend I hardly know, I woke up, I logged on to friendster, I found her, I added her, she rejected, and then she added me.

Now that really sparked off my search for all those convent school friends I had when I was in Hong Kong, and it's just way too interesting to poke my nose to see what everyone is doing now. How they look, what they work as, if they're married or single, what're their hobbies now etc.

Being addicted to tabloid and dishing out what everyone's up to aside, I want to find out how all my previous peers are now so that I can see how far I've gone. If I've progressed, if they've regressed, if they've lived up to my expectation of how they would be or if they're running on a standstill. Afterall, they're part of my past which has shaped me to who I am now, though I must say it is a past that I'd rather forget sometimes. Well, yeah, you heard it. I'd rather forget cos childhood wasn't exactly a bed of roses for me being the class loser and the possibly the president of the "out group" support network.

Yup, I was a bit of a geek loser who wished I were like the rest of the smart, rich and popular girls. The nobody who failed most subjects and got despising yet sympathetic stares when I was the last few to received test papers that were distributed in order from the top scorers to the intellectually retard. I was also the kind who's so plain and forgettable that nobody really knew I existed in the class until they started looking at the class photo and went "Who's that again?". Needless to say, I was also the one would get voted as "the one who would most likely end up in the shrink's office for inferiority complexes". And depressingly, I really did.

Then something great happened. After all the struggling, I realize that in comparison to the lives of all the popular girls who're expected to be the most successful and coolest after they graduate, I'm faring pretty damn well. In terms of jobs, in terms of success, in terms of life experience, in terms of popularity and fame, in terms of style and possibly in terms of looks too (okay, some might not agree but I would like to believe what I said). It's a little like the experience of phoenix rising from the ash. Okay, I'm being way too melodramatic here but for those who know the kind of stuggles that I went through to rescue my fast and dangerously depleting esteem of my youth, they would know it's no exaggeration.

Many of the smart girls have ended up with ordinary boring jobs. The cool and stylish girls have turned out to be plain Janes. The cute and gorgeous girls have failed to bloom into the full glory of feminine aesthetics. On the other hands, some of the members of the "social-reject" group have turned out to excel beyond what was expected of them while they were in my stupid maggot broth of convent school. Of couse, some of the cool and popular ones have still lived up to their good names but whatever it is, I get a kick out of seeing that I'm no longer under the social-reject category. I was also told that some girls even asked me how I was doing etc. So perhaps I probably wasn't as nobody as I thought I was. Or it could also be that these old school friends were trying to find out if I've failed my life like how they thought I would. Hmm...I know I'm being too cynical here but well, you never know, would you?

But whatever it is, I'm glad and proud of all the bullshit the dumb convent and snobbish girls have put me through cos it's made me different and I'm enjoying being special and different from everyone else and I'm loving it. I love the way I've turned out and I'm glad that I never did fit in then and I'm even grateful for all the tears and struggle as I've become a rebel who fought for what I am and who I am without compromising. Yeah, it's really phoenix rising and I enjoy who I am and no longer do I feel inferior cos I'm loving every bit of my existence. Such a refreshing change indeed.

Now I keep hearing Pink's "Stupid Girl" churning in my head cos it's a song I can totally relate to! I never wanted to be a stupid girl!

Stupid girl, stupid girl, Stupid girl....
Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back,
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl,
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back,
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

The Look of Lust

I was in for a bit of shock and amusement while I was in some brainstorming meeting just now. I saw the girl who slept with my friend's husband cos she's a servicing person for our company's account.

Well, this whole melodramatic episode actually happened awhile back but then I got to see how she is today. It's amusing cos it's always interesting to see how the "other woman" aka the third party looks like. Well, she doesn't look as cute as my girl friend but then I couldn't help but check her out. I must admit there's always something mesmerizing about the woman who steals your boyfriend or husband cos you'll wonder what she has and you don't that makes your partner cheat on you. I mean, yes, I'm not the one who got the unfortunate fate of having cheated on but then, I feel silently angry for my girlfriend for I would never want to be put in a position where I get cheated on and have my heart shattered.

I couldn't stop looking at her also because I couldn't fathom how my guy friend could bear to hurt his wife like that. How could he? How did he manage to put his conscience away and cheat? What did he think of while he's fucking her? Did the thought of my girlfriend flash across his mind when they were fucking? Did he feel bad halfway while they're fucking? Gosh.....I really feel bad for my girlfriend cos after all, she forgave him and decided to make the marriage another go and try to make things work.

It's quite a mystery how my guy friend could say that this "other woman" was someone whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with one week after they fucked. Then a while later, he decided that he's gonna stop this sordid affair and try to make the marriage work. How can people say one thing one minute and then the next minute have a change of heart? It's scary cos with that, who can you really trust?

Then I wonder how could my girlfriend manage to see past this betrayal and decided to take his moronic hubby back and give her marriage another shot. I can't see myself doing that cos if that ever happens to me, it would only mean the demise of the relationship or marriage. It's bad enough to be betrayed and I don't think I have the strength to try to make something this broken work again. I just knew I couldn't.

I have a heavy heart now....for my heart goes out to my girlfriend but I know for sure that she's got to be the better bigger person and have a heart of gold to be able to take him back......