Monday, July 24, 2006

The Look of Lust

I was in for a bit of shock and amusement while I was in some brainstorming meeting just now. I saw the girl who slept with my friend's husband cos she's a servicing person for our company's account.

Well, this whole melodramatic episode actually happened awhile back but then I got to see how she is today. It's amusing cos it's always interesting to see how the "other woman" aka the third party looks like. Well, she doesn't look as cute as my girl friend but then I couldn't help but check her out. I must admit there's always something mesmerizing about the woman who steals your boyfriend or husband cos you'll wonder what she has and you don't that makes your partner cheat on you. I mean, yes, I'm not the one who got the unfortunate fate of having cheated on but then, I feel silently angry for my girlfriend for I would never want to be put in a position where I get cheated on and have my heart shattered.

I couldn't stop looking at her also because I couldn't fathom how my guy friend could bear to hurt his wife like that. How could he? How did he manage to put his conscience away and cheat? What did he think of while he's fucking her? Did the thought of my girlfriend flash across his mind when they were fucking? Did he feel bad halfway while they're fucking? Gosh.....I really feel bad for my girlfriend cos after all, she forgave him and decided to make the marriage another go and try to make things work.

It's quite a mystery how my guy friend could say that this "other woman" was someone whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with one week after they fucked. Then a while later, he decided that he's gonna stop this sordid affair and try to make the marriage work. How can people say one thing one minute and then the next minute have a change of heart? It's scary cos with that, who can you really trust?

Then I wonder how could my girlfriend manage to see past this betrayal and decided to take his moronic hubby back and give her marriage another shot. I can't see myself doing that cos if that ever happens to me, it would only mean the demise of the relationship or marriage. It's bad enough to be betrayed and I don't think I have the strength to try to make something this broken work again. I just knew I couldn't.

I have a heavy heart now....for my heart goes out to my girlfriend but I know for sure that she's got to be the better bigger person and have a heart of gold to be able to take him back......

Friday, July 21, 2006

Time doesn't heal all pain

The most heard-off wish of those freshly out of a relationship seems to be one that hopes the partner simply disappear and vanish into thin air so there's nothing to grieve about, think of and pine after. That was exactly what I wanted when my ex left me totally heart-broken. Out of sight and hopefully out of mind. And up until last night, I still think that it would be fine when he's leaving for home in October. Then all things changed after I had an awful dream last night that ended up with me in tears bawling away in bed alone.

Last night, I dreamt that I was out with my ex for the very last time before he flew back home. We were walking on the streets and were joined by his friend before we walked into a mall. Then, I couldn't catch up with them cos they were all walking way too fast and I was getting upset about that and shouted at him while they're riding the escalator up to the second floor of the mall. I was reduced into tears by the frustration and I was yelling my lungs out to him on the second floor saying that all I wanted was to spend his last day here alone with him for I wouldn't see him again after. For some strange reason in my dream, he said he would be back in January. Only that in reality, he won't and he would be gone for good.

I woke up crying hysterically cos I really don't want him to go and just vanish in my life. I know he's not dead but being in a whole different continent is really as bad. I don't want him to be out of sight and I know he'll never be out of mind. Having him gone makes it feel like having part of what makes me who I am ripped out of me and suddenly that makes me feel lost. And I'm dreading for his departure cos I really wouldn't know how I would breakdown. I'm afraid of the imminent pain that will come along cos the emotional wound I'm now still nursing is enough to make me sob alone everynight.

Everyone says time heals all wound. To be honest, much as I really want to believe, I'm a total skeptic. I'm not a pessimist but I don't think pain just goes away like that. Time subsides all pain but it doesn't make it go away. It only makes it easier to bear cos you get used to it and know better how to handle it everytime pain comes assult your heart.

I hate to talk pessimistic and gloomy but then I realize as you grow older, more pain starts to accumulate in your heart be it old or new. And honestly, I dunno how to have more to look forward to cos with every nice things that you experience, you probably have another bad things to add onto your emotional baggage. I dunno if it's really all worth it, especially when I've come to doubt time's ability as a pain relief remedy.

As of now, I know it sounds terribly morbid but I really hope I won't wake up anymore after I fall asleep tonight. At least perhaps the pain will stop....

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Muriel's Wedding & Dvds addiction.

The other day, I watched this fantastic aussie movie called Muriel's Wedding and it's now one of my favorite movies. Great story line worked out in the most humorous manner. In the movie, Muriel's this ugly geeky goober chick among her ditsy barbie-dollesque bimbo mates. Every chick's either getting hitched or was attached and Muriel's clearly the one left on the shelf. She's been dreaming of getting married herself her entire life and ya da ya da ya da, after much struggle with self-image and all, she did have a bogus marriage which didn't satisfy her and she finally found herself through a series of events like the death of her mom and her best friend's condition with cancer.

Okay, those kind of silent triumph that makes you roll a feel salty tears of joy as you cheer for the protagonist's victory in life. I LOVE the movie and I thought that this is the kind of movie that I would love to watch on a daily basis cos it's probably the closest it can get from my own life. Well, clearly my life's a far-fetch comparison to films like Pride&Prejudice or the murder thrillers along the likes of Match Point. Movies like Muriel's Wedding really strike a cord in my heartstring cos it's something I can relate to. BUT.....

Yes, there's always a "BUT" in many things in life. Okay, well, but I've come to the painful realization that there seems to have no silent triumph in line for me. Well, like I said before, I seem to be running on a standstill where there's nothing much happening in my life and everything's just like a lukewarm cup of flavorless tea. So where the hell is MY own silent triumph gonna come from?? Oh dear, now that is indeed depressing.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I can't stand anything lukewarm and mediocre. It's like there's no trough and no climax, everything's just dull. In a sick and sadistic manner, I'd rather be going through some negative drama rather than having things lukewarm like now cos at least when I'm in the pits, I do feel alive cos the pain and distress that comes along tell me that I'm still alive and breathing, be it struggling. And you know that when things are really rock bottom and so low, the only way is up and you can just ride through the lousy time and look forward to the high that is something like sweet victory. Right now, things are just too lukewarm, I'm neither struggling nor thriving, only breathing. And that's not good enough cos you don't even know if this is nastily placid phase's gonna be here for awhile. Not good really.

I guess perhaps that's why I have bipolar disorder cos I thrive on such extremes in life much as I would like to deny it. And I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so addicted to watching dvds on a daily basis these days. It simply gives me something to look forward to when I come home cos no matter how lousy my day is or how dull work gets, I know that my boring little daily life stops the movie I slot a movie into the dvd player and press play on the remote. In a matter of seconds, I get shipped into these vicarious lives of all the movie characters....great isn't it? Oh well.....I'm still waiting for something interesting to happen.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Clean slate or stand still?

It's been awhile since I was actively blogging really. So much has happened and I've been thrown off kilter. I guess when things start to overwhelm, words just don't come out that easily. For me at least, cos I get way too tired emotionally to write it down and express it. Also because I'm afraid of doing so cos it might set off some majorly tumultuous emotions that will left me in an emotional wreck that's impossible to salvage. So I just left it as it is.

But I guess I'm kinda ready to start off on a clean slate. Well, not entirely clean cos honestly, there can never be a clean slate in anyone's life if you think about it. Except that you try to tell yourself that tomorrow will be a different day and you painstakingly try to leave everything before behind. But really, you can never quite escape you past cos they always come and bite you in your ass when you least expect them to.

My heart's been so horrible and utterly broken about three months ago and the last three months have been pretty tough, and possibly the toughest patch in my life. I guess I still can't fathom how someone who claims to love you can just decide to walk out on you on the basis that he just doesn't feel much anymore. Yeah, but he loves you, so how does that work really? But I guess some things in life can never have a proper answer. That's fine realy cos it's not the first time this happens but it's definitely the worst. I hate it when you have to leave all the great friendships you've made through your partner behind at the demise of a relationship. Honestly, and from the bottom of my heart, I love his family. I guess it's got to do with the fact that I've never got much experience of a close-knit family life and it's just something that I've come to long for. To have these new-formed ties cut off simply breaks my heart the second round. Well, the problem is, even if you try to keep in touch, it's not the same anymore cos you can't relate to them as how you did before cos things changed.

I got rather pensive and affected after my mom called the other day. She said my aunt has heard that I have yet another failed relationship and she's telling my mom that she might want to introduce some young man of honorable character (geez...that's what they all claim isn't it?) to me cos my aunt feel that it's really sad to grow old and die alone. She related to my mom how horrible she felt when she saw some of the people she knew having a horrible lonely time growing old and having no kids to look after them. Well I understand where she's coming from and I also know that it sucks to die alone. I even joked about it with my friends on how I would probably slip and fall to death and rot off in my bathroom when I'm old if I have no kids to rescue me out of that lethal predicament. But to have someone THINK that you might well be going down that pathetic path is a totally different thing. Cos the fact that someone's thinking that you might be going down that way means that your chance of that happening is getting more realistic. It's tragic really. I hate that and it makes me feel sorry for myself even I don't think I am in such a sorry state. Sometimes, you really shouldn't underestimate the power people have over you to trip you into a state of self-pity just because they feel sorry for you when they have no bloody idea that you're perfectly fine and kicking. It's really pathetic.

So I guess, Welcome quarter-life crisis! But then again, I get that every three weeks or so...nothing new, nothing has changed....clean slate? I'm not quite sure about that really. Perhaps I might even be running on a standstill without ever knowing it.


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