Time doesn't heal all pain

The most heard-off wish of those freshly out of a relationship seems to be one that hopes the partner simply disappear and vanish into thin air so there's nothing to grieve about, think of and pine after. That was exactly what I wanted when my ex left me totally heart-broken. Out of sight and hopefully out of mind. And up until last night, I still think that it would be fine when he's leaving for home in October. Then all things changed after I had an awful dream last night that ended up with me in tears bawling away in bed alone.

Last night, I dreamt that I was out with my ex for the very last time before he flew back home. We were walking on the streets and were joined by his friend before we walked into a mall. Then, I couldn't catch up with them cos they were all walking way too fast and I was getting upset about that and shouted at him while they're riding the escalator up to the second floor of the mall. I was reduced into tears by the frustration and I was yelling my lungs out to him on the second floor saying that all I wanted was to spend his last day here alone with him for I wouldn't see him again after. For some strange reason in my dream, he said he would be back in January. Only that in reality, he won't and he would be gone for good.

I woke up crying hysterically cos I really don't want him to go and just vanish in my life. I know he's not dead but being in a whole different continent is really as bad. I don't want him to be out of sight and I know he'll never be out of mind. Having him gone makes it feel like having part of what makes me who I am ripped out of me and suddenly that makes me feel lost. And I'm dreading for his departure cos I really wouldn't know how I would breakdown. I'm afraid of the imminent pain that will come along cos the emotional wound I'm now still nursing is enough to make me sob alone everynight.

Everyone says time heals all wound. To be honest, much as I really want to believe, I'm a total skeptic. I'm not a pessimist but I don't think pain just goes away like that. Time subsides all pain but it doesn't make it go away. It only makes it easier to bear cos you get used to it and know better how to handle it everytime pain comes assult your heart.

I hate to talk pessimistic and gloomy but then I realize as you grow older, more pain starts to accumulate in your heart be it old or new. And honestly, I dunno how to have more to look forward to cos with every nice things that you experience, you probably have another bad things to add onto your emotional baggage. I dunno if it's really all worth it, especially when I've come to doubt time's ability as a pain relief remedy.

As of now, I know it sounds terribly morbid but I really hope I won't wake up anymore after I fall asleep tonight. At least perhaps the pain will stop....