It's been awhile since I was actively blogging really. So much has happened and I've been thrown off kilter. I guess when things start to overwhelm, words just don't come out that easily. For me at least, cos I get way too tired emotionally to write it down and express it. Also because I'm afraid of doing so cos it might set off some majorly tumultuous emotions that will left me in an emotional wreck that's impossible to salvage. So I just left it as it is.
But I guess I'm kinda ready to start off on a clean slate. Well, not entirely clean cos honestly, there can never be a clean slate in anyone's life if you think about it. Except that you try to tell yourself that tomorrow will be a different day and you painstakingly try to leave everything before behind. But really, you can never quite escape you past cos they always come and bite you in your ass when you least expect them to.
My heart's been so horrible and utterly broken about three months ago and the last three months have been pretty tough, and possibly the toughest patch in my life. I guess I still can't fathom how someone who claims to love you can just decide to walk out on you on the basis that he just doesn't feel much anymore. Yeah, but he loves you, so how does that work really? But I guess some things in life can never have a proper answer. That's fine realy cos it's not the first time this happens but it's definitely the worst. I hate it when you have to leave all the great friendships you've made through your partner behind at the demise of a relationship. Honestly, and from the bottom of my heart, I love his family. I guess it's got to do with the fact that I've never got much experience of a close-knit family life and it's just something that I've come to long for. To have these new-formed ties cut off simply breaks my heart the second round. Well, the problem is, even if you try to keep in touch, it's not the same anymore cos you can't relate to them as how you did before cos things changed.
I got rather pensive and affected after my mom called the other day. She said my aunt has heard that I have yet another failed relationship and she's telling my mom that she might want to introduce some young man of honorable character (geez...that's what they all claim isn't it?) to me cos my aunt feel that it's really sad to grow old and die alone. She related to my mom how horrible she felt when she saw some of the people she knew having a horrible lonely time growing old and having no kids to look after them. Well I understand where she's coming from and I also know that it sucks to die alone. I even joked about it with my friends on how I would probably slip and fall to death and rot off in my bathroom when I'm old if I have no kids to rescue me out of that lethal predicament. But to have someone THINK that you might well be going down that pathetic path is a totally different thing. Cos the fact that someone's thinking that you might be going down that way means that your chance of that happening is getting more realistic. It's tragic really. I hate that and it makes me feel sorry for myself even I don't think I am in such a sorry state. Sometimes, you really shouldn't underestimate the power people have over you to trip you into a state of self-pity just because they feel sorry for you when they have no bloody idea that you're perfectly fine and kicking. It's really pathetic.
So I guess, Welcome quarter-life crisis! But then again, I get that every three weeks or so...nothing new, nothing has changed....clean slate? I'm not quite sure about that really. Perhaps I might even be running on a standstill without ever knowing it.
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