Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How to tell if your man is a closet gay

The other day, Uncle Josh was reading my post on 10 Men You Don't Want To Meet and he said I left out one very important one and that's the Closet Gay! Oh but of course!!! How can I miss that out when I've dated one myself!!!! I dunno if it's my subconscious trying to block out that scary memory but yes, I've dated a closet gay! Well, last check, he still hasn't come out of the closet but along with a bunch of my gay pals who've met him, we're damn sure he's gay as hell but hasn't come out yet. But yes, Closet Gays are the ones you wouldn't wanna meet or date cos it's gonna go nowhere!


You see, you bond soooo well with him, you think he's the one cos you can finally find someone who'll go shopping with you! You tell yourself he's maybe just a wee bit effeminate but well, is he gay??? Or is he straight? Hmmm that you can never really tell can you? And what can you do if he keeps insisting he's straight right? Until perhaps he pulls the plug one day without any real reason or worse, you get a shocking "bedroom malfunction"...so here's some signs that the effeminate guy you're dating might be in fact, gay....

Signs that your man might be gay:
  • He's kinda effemniate in his behaviour...yeah think excessive hand gestures etc......thing is, not ALL effeminate men are gay...but if he's got girly demeanour, it obviously increases the chances....a uni mate of mine (HL would know who I'm talking about..LOL) has got really girly demeanour but he's married with kids now....or is it that he still hasn't come out? hmm...but well, the closet gay I dated used to be a dancer....sigh....
  • He enjoys going shopping with you.....and I don't mean just ACCOMPANYING you to shops...you see, most straight men will just oblige and they'll stand next to you (if you're lucky) waiting for you to browse...or if your man's like my dad, he'll probably stand outside of the shop looking impatient with a grumpy face...BUT if your man actually examines and chooses clothes (with the exception of lingerie that is) and shoes together with you, enjoying it (more than you at times), giving critics and advice, then yes, he might be gay....
  • He has more shoes than you do....the closet gay I dated has more shoes than I do! In fact, he's got soooo many pairs that his room is full of shoe boxes....
  • He's got a hell lot of skincare products...yes, with the advent of metrosexual men, many men these days don't use the same bar of soap they wash their armpits with to wash their face and many have the sense to slap on some basic moisturizer every now and then....but if your man has a full range of skincare ie. cleanser, toner, serum, moisturizer, eye cream, sunscreen, exfoliator, face mask, special treatment etc etc and they're not forced upon him by you? Then the red flag for his sexuality is raised for sure....most straight men can't deal with anything more then 3 steps without whinging and complaining....
  • He has a lot of different man bags.....you see, men are kinda functional, they're not like women who'll match their bags according to their outfit...most men wouldn't have more than 3 bags. One sling, one backpack and one laptop bag....
  • He's got a thing for tight tee shirt....yeah, the one I dated did...whereas straight men tend to be a bit hesitant about a tee shirt that's too fitting...BB refused to wear a beefy Uniqlo tee in the most flattering shade despite me swooning over his macho pecs underneath...he calls it the "gay shirt"....
  • He actually does check out other men....and I don't mean the kind of normal looking when you're curious to see who enters the room but the type that actually suss out the person...I didn't notice my closet gay ex checking men out while we're erm...dating *cringe*...but when we hung out as friends after, I saw him checking out guys with lingering stares....I should have known, but what can I do when he kept saying that he's straight??
  • He actually gushes at stuff you find "kawaii" and cute....not I don't mean cute puppies and all cos there're straight animal lovers who melt at the sight of a kawaii pooch...but I mean things like plush toys and what nots...you know, those silly little things that only girls like...
  • He enjoys gossip! You see, we all love gossips, the more scandalous the better....for girls, we'll talk and talk and bitch and bitch about it to no end....a straight man would probably just listen to it, then comment, say a thing or two and then forget about it. Like recently, I was bitching about this fugly and gross couple with toe fetish (click here to see their blog)...Ah Meow and I were frantically looking at their puke-inducing entries while all my gay friends were checking every single post out to the point of cyberstalking. Then when I told BB, he simply wasn't that impressed. He only showed disgust at the toe sucking bit and didn't even ask for the blog site address....same goes for Ah Meow's straight bf....they're not that keen really...
  • He experiments with his hair...no, I don't mean styling it slightly differently but really changing styles....Mr Closet Gay had really weird hair....and he thinks it's nice....and despite everyone telling him that he's got weird hair (a girl friend even said "Ewww...how come you have bangs?! Men having bangs???" once), he still insisted on keeping it...cos straight men would be too conscious if a bunch of people criticise about his hair....straight guys would change it...and they don't change their hairstyle that much really
  • He's not the most touchy feely with you....cos he prefers alternative flesh of the non-fairer sex......
  • You two have "bedroom malfunctions" and he doesn't really dig sex (with you obviously)....erm...that's kinda obvious...especially if the malfunction keeps happening "in the process" of coital activities...
So here you have it......but of course...these are just a guide and don't go freak out if one day your boyfriend decides to be real nice and take you go shopping....haha....

2 comments:

Kelly said...

Great post, thanks for sharing your tips!!

Win Mr said...

If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

And even begging to be with you.

Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

Thanks again.

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