I'm having an early mid-life crisis of sort. I can't call it quarter-life crisis any more now that I'm way past the 25-year-old mark but lately, I got thinking about my good old "days of youth" and realized perhaps, just perhaps, that I had not lived it up enough. That I wasn't reckless enough, that I was a bit too safe with my choices, that I was too responsible and wasn't impulsive enough, that I hadn't lived it large enough. Yes, that kind of underachieving.
It all started with a dinner with an old friend where we spoke of our crazy road trip once upon a time where I had a meltdown covered in mud chopping woods to plank our four-wheel-drive out of the ditch somewhere in Malaysia. The memory still fresh. I could remember the very morning where I was dropped off at Newton Hawker Centre car park by my douchebag of a then-boyfriend to be transferred to the Land Rover Discovery for some off roading adventure.
That very image crystal clear in my head like it happened just a couple of weeks ago. Only that it was, in actual fact, more than 10 years ago! A fucking decade has passed and the sense of nostalgia has set off my longing for the lightness that comes with being in my days of youth. Free of responsibilities, free of worries.
Now, here's the problem. Fast forward a decade or so, and my walk down the memory lane made me feel that I haven't done enough crazy stuff that's worthy of being one of those cool stories that start with "You know, that one time...".
I still feel like the 19-year-old I once was, running in some kind of standstill, while my peers have progressed to do the whole adult shebang of marriage, mortgage, and 2.5 kids. My entire 20s seemed to have happened in a blur and now I found myself longing to be a 20-year-old all over again because if I could, I promise I wouldn't worry as much, I wouldn't grip as much and I wouldn't mope around too long over silly things. Next I came face-to-face with the heavy question and burning burden on how to live it up well so I won't have the same feeling of underachievement in 10 years' time.
All the pensive pondering and dwelling on the what ifs, should haves and could haves plunged me in some dark pit of philosophical mulling until one crazy hardcore Vinyasa yoga session some nights ago ended with some sense of epiphany. When your body is contorted and twisted in complicated and sometimes painful yoga poses, your mind probably simplifies and straightens up to compensate and suddenly, that moment of clarity happens. Heavens open, the angels sing!
While standing upside down on my head with legs in full lotus, a little voice in my head told me that precisely because I'm feeling that I didn't live it up enough in my 20s, I should STOP feeling moody and worrying how best to live it up! No more wasting time fretting and feeling gloomy, my "living it up" starts NOW! Yes NOW!
The fact that I'm a happier person these days as opposed to the somewhat miserable sod I was in my 20s means that I'm doing something right. When in doubt, always go back to happiness for your bearings. That much I'm sure.
Having lost my bearings and found it back means I'm back on track, more sure of myself than before. Now, even the clouds of an early mid life crisis has its silver linings. All is well. All is well. Now, more Vinyasa Yoga next week for me!