Dear God, please Bring Croc Hunter Back!

All I ever want this Christmas is for Steve Irwin the legendary Crocodile Hunter to come back to life. His death left me terribly heart-broken and it's really the worst news I've heard for a long while. It's totally ruined my day and it's got to be on a Monday that he died. I haven't really recovered from the shock and grieve of this devastating news. This world has seriously lost a very precious soul who dedicated his life to the preservation of wildlife and environment.

I've been getting quite some puzzled comments regarding my sadness of this news cos some of my friends think that I've been over-reacting from his death. Clearly, I feel so much for him is the fact that I've been a major supporter of his shows where he's displayed so much fervent in what he did and felt for. His love and passion for wildlife and animals made him so full of life. It's a far cry from so many people who live their lives half asleep, surviving a daily drawl without feeling much for anything. I admire his drive for things he so strongly believed in cos so very often people do have something they feel passionate about but the frustration of daily life simply extinguishes that fire in them. Think about it, how many kids actually follow through with their dreams of wanting to be an astrounaut, pilot or the under-rated and underpaid firefighter? What happened to that wild crazy dreams we think of when we were young? Well, Steve Irwin followed through with his at least.

I feel so much sadness also because the fact that he's a great person who's contributed so much in the preservation of wildlife. He actually bought plots of forest with the money he made from his documentaries so that that bit of forest can be preserved and nobody can ruin it with deforestation. It's not everyday that we come across someone who put in that much effort into such a commendable cause.

What really broke my heart is the thought of the pain his family has to go through. He's survived by his wife Terri, his 8-year-old daughter Bindi-sue and 3-year-old son Bob whom he controversially brought into the croc pool a couple of years back. It was on Australian national television that he openly expressed his love for his family just about 2 months ago. In it, he said his family was everything to him and he loved his wife so damn much still even though they've been together for almost 20 years.

To be honest, if people like Brad Pitt or someone along that line dies, I really wouldn't feel a thing nor flinch a muscle cos they're just fictional character in some make-believe Hollywood flicks. But Steve was always himself in all his shows and that made him so real to me. I'm watching him, and not some alter-ego persona in motion picture and that makes me feel as if I know him because of his sincerity and passion in life.

It's said that he didn't suffer much when he died, I really hope so but as they all said, he died doing something he loved so much and that's probably how he would want to go anyway. I dunno...it still makes me really sad....I just hope he's gone to a better world with all his croc pals in heaven. I'm pretty sure God would take care of him and build him a zoo.....

Rest in peace Steve. We all miss you so very dearly.....

Stupid girl, stupid girl.....

Something interesting happened lately. I dreamt of some long time primary school friend I hardly know, I woke up, I logged on to friendster, I found her, I added her, she rejected, and then she added me.

Now that really sparked off my search for all those convent school friends I had when I was in Hong Kong, and it's just way too interesting to poke my nose to see what everyone is doing now. How they look, what they work as, if they're married or single, what're their hobbies now etc.

Being addicted to tabloid and dishing out what everyone's up to aside, I want to find out how all my previous peers are now so that I can see how far I've gone. If I've progressed, if they've regressed, if they've lived up to my expectation of how they would be or if they're running on a standstill. Afterall, they're part of my past which has shaped me to who I am now, though I must say it is a past that I'd rather forget sometimes. Well, yeah, you heard it. I'd rather forget cos childhood wasn't exactly a bed of roses for me being the class loser and the possibly the president of the "out group" support network.

Yup, I was a bit of a geek loser who wished I were like the rest of the smart, rich and popular girls. The nobody who failed most subjects and got despising yet sympathetic stares when I was the last few to received test papers that were distributed in order from the top scorers to the intellectually retard. I was also the kind who's so plain and forgettable that nobody really knew I existed in the class until they started looking at the class photo and went "Who's that again?". Needless to say, I was also the one would get voted as "the one who would most likely end up in the shrink's office for inferiority complexes". And depressingly, I really did.

Then something great happened. After all the struggling, I realize that in comparison to the lives of all the popular girls who're expected to be the most successful and coolest after they graduate, I'm faring pretty damn well. In terms of jobs, in terms of success, in terms of life experience, in terms of popularity and fame, in terms of style and possibly in terms of looks too (okay, some might not agree but I would like to believe what I said). It's a little like the experience of phoenix rising from the ash. Okay, I'm being way too melodramatic here but for those who know the kind of stuggles that I went through to rescue my fast and dangerously depleting esteem of my youth, they would know it's no exaggeration.

Many of the smart girls have ended up with ordinary boring jobs. The cool and stylish girls have turned out to be plain Janes. The cute and gorgeous girls have failed to bloom into the full glory of feminine aesthetics. On the other hands, some of the members of the "social-reject" group have turned out to excel beyond what was expected of them while they were in my stupid maggot broth of convent school. Of couse, some of the cool and popular ones have still lived up to their good names but whatever it is, I get a kick out of seeing that I'm no longer under the social-reject category. I was also told that some girls even asked me how I was doing etc. So perhaps I probably wasn't as nobody as I thought I was. Or it could also be that these old school friends were trying to find out if I've failed my life like how they thought I would. Hmm...I know I'm being too cynical here but well, you never know, would you?

But whatever it is, I'm glad and proud of all the bullshit the dumb convent and snobbish girls have put me through cos it's made me different and I'm enjoying being special and different from everyone else and I'm loving it. I love the way I've turned out and I'm glad that I never did fit in then and I'm even grateful for all the tears and struggle as I've become a rebel who fought for what I am and who I am without compromising. Yeah, it's really phoenix rising and I enjoy who I am and no longer do I feel inferior cos I'm loving every bit of my existence. Such a refreshing change indeed.

Now I keep hearing Pink's "Stupid Girl" churning in my head cos it's a song I can totally relate to! I never wanted to be a stupid girl!

Stupid girl, stupid girl, Stupid girl....
Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back,
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl,
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back,
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

The Look of Lust

I was in for a bit of shock and amusement while I was in some brainstorming meeting just now. I saw the girl who slept with my friend's husband cos she's a servicing person for our company's account.

Well, this whole melodramatic episode actually happened awhile back but then I got to see how she is today. It's amusing cos it's always interesting to see how the "other woman" aka the third party looks like. Well, she doesn't look as cute as my girl friend but then I couldn't help but check her out. I must admit there's always something mesmerizing about the woman who steals your boyfriend or husband cos you'll wonder what she has and you don't that makes your partner cheat on you. I mean, yes, I'm not the one who got the unfortunate fate of having cheated on but then, I feel silently angry for my girlfriend for I would never want to be put in a position where I get cheated on and have my heart shattered.

I couldn't stop looking at her also because I couldn't fathom how my guy friend could bear to hurt his wife like that. How could he? How did he manage to put his conscience away and cheat? What did he think of while he's fucking her? Did the thought of my girlfriend flash across his mind when they were fucking? Did he feel bad halfway while they're fucking? Gosh.....I really feel bad for my girlfriend cos after all, she forgave him and decided to make the marriage another go and try to make things work.

It's quite a mystery how my guy friend could say that this "other woman" was someone whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with one week after they fucked. Then a while later, he decided that he's gonna stop this sordid affair and try to make the marriage work. How can people say one thing one minute and then the next minute have a change of heart? It's scary cos with that, who can you really trust?

Then I wonder how could my girlfriend manage to see past this betrayal and decided to take his moronic hubby back and give her marriage another shot. I can't see myself doing that cos if that ever happens to me, it would only mean the demise of the relationship or marriage. It's bad enough to be betrayed and I don't think I have the strength to try to make something this broken work again. I just knew I couldn't.

I have a heavy heart now....for my heart goes out to my girlfriend but I know for sure that she's got to be the better bigger person and have a heart of gold to be able to take him back......

Time doesn't heal all pain

The most heard-off wish of those freshly out of a relationship seems to be one that hopes the partner simply disappear and vanish into thin air so there's nothing to grieve about, think of and pine after. That was exactly what I wanted when my ex left me totally heart-broken. Out of sight and hopefully out of mind. And up until last night, I still think that it would be fine when he's leaving for home in October. Then all things changed after I had an awful dream last night that ended up with me in tears bawling away in bed alone.

Last night, I dreamt that I was out with my ex for the very last time before he flew back home. We were walking on the streets and were joined by his friend before we walked into a mall. Then, I couldn't catch up with them cos they were all walking way too fast and I was getting upset about that and shouted at him while they're riding the escalator up to the second floor of the mall. I was reduced into tears by the frustration and I was yelling my lungs out to him on the second floor saying that all I wanted was to spend his last day here alone with him for I wouldn't see him again after. For some strange reason in my dream, he said he would be back in January. Only that in reality, he won't and he would be gone for good.

I woke up crying hysterically cos I really don't want him to go and just vanish in my life. I know he's not dead but being in a whole different continent is really as bad. I don't want him to be out of sight and I know he'll never be out of mind. Having him gone makes it feel like having part of what makes me who I am ripped out of me and suddenly that makes me feel lost. And I'm dreading for his departure cos I really wouldn't know how I would breakdown. I'm afraid of the imminent pain that will come along cos the emotional wound I'm now still nursing is enough to make me sob alone everynight.

Everyone says time heals all wound. To be honest, much as I really want to believe, I'm a total skeptic. I'm not a pessimist but I don't think pain just goes away like that. Time subsides all pain but it doesn't make it go away. It only makes it easier to bear cos you get used to it and know better how to handle it everytime pain comes assult your heart.

I hate to talk pessimistic and gloomy but then I realize as you grow older, more pain starts to accumulate in your heart be it old or new. And honestly, I dunno how to have more to look forward to cos with every nice things that you experience, you probably have another bad things to add onto your emotional baggage. I dunno if it's really all worth it, especially when I've come to doubt time's ability as a pain relief remedy.

As of now, I know it sounds terribly morbid but I really hope I won't wake up anymore after I fall asleep tonight. At least perhaps the pain will stop....

Muriel's Wedding & Dvds addiction.

The other day, I watched this fantastic aussie movie called Muriel's Wedding and it's now one of my favorite movies. Great story line worked out in the most humorous manner. In the movie, Muriel's this ugly geeky goober chick among her ditsy barbie-dollesque bimbo mates. Every chick's either getting hitched or was attached and Muriel's clearly the one left on the shelf. She's been dreaming of getting married herself her entire life and ya da ya da ya da, after much struggle with self-image and all, she did have a bogus marriage which didn't satisfy her and she finally found herself through a series of events like the death of her mom and her best friend's condition with cancer.

Okay, those kind of silent triumph that makes you roll a feel salty tears of joy as you cheer for the protagonist's victory in life. I LOVE the movie and I thought that this is the kind of movie that I would love to watch on a daily basis cos it's probably the closest it can get from my own life. Well, clearly my life's a far-fetch comparison to films like Pride&Prejudice or the murder thrillers along the likes of Match Point. Movies like Muriel's Wedding really strike a cord in my heartstring cos it's something I can relate to. BUT.....

Yes, there's always a "BUT" in many things in life. Okay, well, but I've come to the painful realization that there seems to have no silent triumph in line for me. Well, like I said before, I seem to be running on a standstill where there's nothing much happening in my life and everything's just like a lukewarm cup of flavorless tea. So where the hell is MY own silent triumph gonna come from?? Oh dear, now that is indeed depressing.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I can't stand anything lukewarm and mediocre. It's like there's no trough and no climax, everything's just dull. In a sick and sadistic manner, I'd rather be going through some negative drama rather than having things lukewarm like now cos at least when I'm in the pits, I do feel alive cos the pain and distress that comes along tell me that I'm still alive and breathing, be it struggling. And you know that when things are really rock bottom and so low, the only way is up and you can just ride through the lousy time and look forward to the high that is something like sweet victory. Right now, things are just too lukewarm, I'm neither struggling nor thriving, only breathing. And that's not good enough cos you don't even know if this is nastily placid phase's gonna be here for awhile. Not good really.

I guess perhaps that's why I have bipolar disorder cos I thrive on such extremes in life much as I would like to deny it. And I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so addicted to watching dvds on a daily basis these days. It simply gives me something to look forward to when I come home cos no matter how lousy my day is or how dull work gets, I know that my boring little daily life stops the movie I slot a movie into the dvd player and press play on the remote. In a matter of seconds, I get shipped into these vicarious lives of all the movie characters....great isn't it? Oh well.....I'm still waiting for something interesting to happen.

Clean slate or stand still?

It's been awhile since I was actively blogging really. So much has happened and I've been thrown off kilter. I guess when things start to overwhelm, words just don't come out that easily. For me at least, cos I get way too tired emotionally to write it down and express it. Also because I'm afraid of doing so cos it might set off some majorly tumultuous emotions that will left me in an emotional wreck that's impossible to salvage. So I just left it as it is.

But I guess I'm kinda ready to start off on a clean slate. Well, not entirely clean cos honestly, there can never be a clean slate in anyone's life if you think about it. Except that you try to tell yourself that tomorrow will be a different day and you painstakingly try to leave everything before behind. But really, you can never quite escape you past cos they always come and bite you in your ass when you least expect them to.

My heart's been so horrible and utterly broken about three months ago and the last three months have been pretty tough, and possibly the toughest patch in my life. I guess I still can't fathom how someone who claims to love you can just decide to walk out on you on the basis that he just doesn't feel much anymore. Yeah, but he loves you, so how does that work really? But I guess some things in life can never have a proper answer. That's fine realy cos it's not the first time this happens but it's definitely the worst. I hate it when you have to leave all the great friendships you've made through your partner behind at the demise of a relationship. Honestly, and from the bottom of my heart, I love his family. I guess it's got to do with the fact that I've never got much experience of a close-knit family life and it's just something that I've come to long for. To have these new-formed ties cut off simply breaks my heart the second round. Well, the problem is, even if you try to keep in touch, it's not the same anymore cos you can't relate to them as how you did before cos things changed.

I got rather pensive and affected after my mom called the other day. She said my aunt has heard that I have yet another failed relationship and she's telling my mom that she might want to introduce some young man of honorable character (geez...that's what they all claim isn't it?) to me cos my aunt feel that it's really sad to grow old and die alone. She related to my mom how horrible she felt when she saw some of the people she knew having a horrible lonely time growing old and having no kids to look after them. Well I understand where she's coming from and I also know that it sucks to die alone. I even joked about it with my friends on how I would probably slip and fall to death and rot off in my bathroom when I'm old if I have no kids to rescue me out of that lethal predicament. But to have someone THINK that you might well be going down that pathetic path is a totally different thing. Cos the fact that someone's thinking that you might be going down that way means that your chance of that happening is getting more realistic. It's tragic really. I hate that and it makes me feel sorry for myself even I don't think I am in such a sorry state. Sometimes, you really shouldn't underestimate the power people have over you to trip you into a state of self-pity just because they feel sorry for you when they have no bloody idea that you're perfectly fine and kicking. It's really pathetic.

So I guess, Welcome quarter-life crisis! But then again, I get that every three weeks or so...nothing new, nothing has changed....clean slate? I'm not quite sure about that really. Perhaps I might even be running on a standstill without ever knowing it.

I hate MIA

I hate it when I have to go call the person instead when he comes back from holiday. Shouldn't there at least be a brief courtesy call to inform you the other half you're back from a trip safe? No, apparently not this time cos I messaged to no reply and have to end up calling him and he just told me "Oh I was just about to call you" and when I asked what time did the flight touched down, it's " It's about an hour ago"

What the fuck? It takes more than an hour to call someone??

I don't mean to be annoying and uptight about this calling matters but then sorry, I have had really bad experience with a fucking asshole who just didn't quite call back after his fucking golfing trip in Thailand and where's my current beau just off to just this weekend? Thailand too. Now you can't blame me for over-reacting cos I had it real bad the last time and it's almost like a brain muscle memory thing to jump into an angry defensive mode when I hear nothing from him.

I'm angry and I find it impossible to calm down and I feel like crying too. Fucking hell. Even when he told me he missed me, it's all bulls cos if he really did, he would have call me first thing he touched down. Fucking hell!

McFucker

MacDonald's total shit. Not becos of the fat laden, 5-year-old frozen meat patty that they use and the lousy food they churn out and neither is it that they use child labour but for the fact that they're such unethical copy cat.

Of late, good ole Mac came out with a rice burger and that shits me cos they copy Mos Burger. What's totally despicable of MacDonald is that they took away Mos Burger unique selling point ie. the Japanese rice burger! It's a case of big fish swallowing the small fish, big brother bullying the small boy.




MacDonaldlisation is what they're trying to do. Wiping out smaller players and what's so horrible of MacDonald is that Mos burger's not even a threat to them cos they have less than half the number of outlets compared to MacDonald. Why can't McFucker fucking leave Mos burger alone and come out with something original? What a fucking copy cat! Shame on them!