Miss B's Dating Decorum for Modern Day Self-Respecting Men

Still reeling from a mix of amusement, disgust and pity for the loser disappearing man who got so badly slammed by me, I thought I really should write a dating decorum guide for men. And who better to write it than Miss B?!! If I have the misfortune of attracting weird men with strange unattractive behaviors, then I might as well put it to good use and shed some light to the clueless men on what to do and what not to do while being on a date....My dating (mis)adventures have been a resourceful library for the ultimate dating decorum for me and no, I'm not being critical and mean cos I have a panel of objective peeps (you know who you guys are! Yes, OGT? Uncle Josh? Miss T? My fellow Scorpio Council?), both gay and straight to concur with me that those behaviors I'm about to list down are, in fact, big No Nos and serious Don'ts. And to make me sound less of a bitch, well, some of the stuff I'm about to list below actually came from a few of my ex-es, though not a lot fortunately...maybe about 2 of them...haha...So here goes...

Miss B's Dating Decorum for Modern Day Self-Respecting Men:

• Unless you have the face of Jude Law/Brad Pitt/George Clooney and body of Hugh Jackman in Wolverine, never attempt the sock with sandals look, even if they're from LV or Prada
• Do not wear a fanny pack. I repeat. Do NOT wear a fanny pack. This is not the 80s anymore
• Please trim fingernails and keep them clean without the black dirt trimmings. I don't care if you need your nails to play guitar but men with longish (note: not even long) nails=gross
• Smell good but don't douse the whole bottle of perfume cos it's corrosive to our eyes and nose, not to mention that you might catch fire if your dinner table has candles
• Don't try to impress girls on subject you don't really know cos it might backfire. During my uni years, I went out with a guy and at HMV's classical section, I was looking at Andrea Bocelli's albums and he said "Eeks, what's with this dude man? Trying to act cool by posing with his eyes closed in all his album! Stylo Milo meh?". Well, mister, Andrea's blind. Another time a guy trying to impress me on his knowledge (or lack thereof) on blues said "You know I really like that guitarist guy, damn good....his name just slipped my mind...you know that white guy?...geez...what's his name..oh yes, Jimi Hendrix" *Horror* Hendrix was black! Epic Failure
  
• FHM and Maxim are magazines. Not Books. So when asked what's your favorite book, say something sensible and intellectual...No-nos include: Anything Jane Austen (are you gay?), Chick Lits like P.S. I Love You (are you gay?), anything from the self-help section (full of issues?), Karma Sutra (sex pervert), PC guides (reeks of geeks), 42 Ways to Kill Hitler (seriously?), anything Warren Buffet (financial stuff=yawn, unless if you're dating a banker chick), The Twilight Series (it's okay to be closet but not okay to say you love it if you have a dick and are straight)
  
• Have a plan and know where you'd like to take us unless we have special request. Show us that you're the man around town and know all the cool places! Come on!
  
• If you haven't got much sense of humor and gift of the gab, then don't try too hard. Don't turn compliment into insult (click here for excellent illustration) and humor into offensive comments (a cocky guy once tried to be funny and asked "Geez, do you actually use your brain at work?")
• Offer to pay for the meal/drinks/movie ticket. Look, screw equality, you want to be a class act and looking at the bill mildly shocked or asking us to go Dutch is very secondary school. We want to date men, not stinky school boys who takes us to KFC and A&Ws
  
• Never question in our face why the food is so expensive. Class act remember? Class Act! A stingy guy I went out with brought me to Cedele and I just wanted soup and bread. And he whispered to me across the table and asked "How come the soup is so expensive here?".....now that's second class
  
• If you want to go to the date venue together with your date, go pick HER up and not ask her to get a cab and swing by. You've got the dick, we don't. Nuff said. It's okay to do that when you're a couple but on first date? NO. Ditto for going home. Send HER home and not ask her to drop you home. Well, a major ex of mine did that but I still dated him (READ: I'm not that big a bitch really)
• If somehow the mention or topic of past relationships come up, just say the gist like "Oh, we're too different and things don't work out" and don't bad mouth your ex and never turn the whole topic into a shrink session...I once went out with a guy who apparently just broke up with his ex and started pouring out his problems/issues/sorrow/anger/frustration blow by blow. You don't have to tell all and I'm not Aunt Agony. An aura of mystery is attractive, it keeps us wondering
• Phrases along the likes of "My mom irons my clothes", "Oh my mom bought my bed sheet" or "Mom buys my underwear" are likely to send us running for the hills
• Don't get drunk. A date of mine is seldom NOT inebriated...very disturbing...getting drunk all the time might signal bad sex in the future...too much alcohol, can't get up? can't perform?
  
• Be nice to waiters, cab driver and serving staff...a guy I once went out with during Uni days brought me to a roti prata joint and talked condescendingly to the waiter. He yelled "Ooi thambi, 3 egg prata one kosong!" *horror*
• When girls offer to share food, wait for the girl to pass you some and don't just go attack whatever on her plate/in her bowl like a bloody red neck. Once a guy and I went to the Rochor Beancurd place and I ordered tao huay while he ordered I can't remember what. I asked if he'd like some out of courtesy and he used the spoon, stretched his arm across the table, smashed up all my bean curd (horror!!!) and ate half the bowl. I said would you like some, not would you like to eat most of it
• Don't make the food "Gone in 60 Seconds". You're a man, not a hungry dog that hasn't been fed for 9 days
  
• If you don't have a fine singing voice. Don't sing. Someone I dated love to belt out tunes in his nasal voice. It's not easy to keep my goosebumps down with that kind of warbling really. Be kind
• Never say bad stuff about/insult our pets. Being manly/funny/macho/witty doesn't mean saying stuff like "I hate cats, I'm gonna kick yours when I see him!" or "I'll bring my dog to bite your cat to death" thinking it's funny because it is NOT and it will not get you far, let alone getting you laid
  
• And finally, if you don't wanna go on another date with the girl, do NOT do the disappearing act. You need social grace and there're many ways to turn people down very politely and cordially. Click here if you need help on that

P.S Miss T, who actually preferred to be known as Ah Meow, just reminded me to add one extra point and that is:

• Never wear white swimming trunks. ESPECIALLY if you're going to wakeboard and even MORE ESPECIALLY if you have skin tag as dick...

P.P.S I need to apologize to my lovely Dan that I forgot to mention his name under my "Panel".....Dan has been an irreplaceable member of my panel...the charming member of the Leaky Taps! Love you long time Danny Boy!