It's okay to say NO and ways to say it nicely

Some guy asked me out on a dinner date last Sunday. We've been talking on email for at least the last 2 weeks and by that, I mean seriously loooong emails where we talked about every thing from relationship, to food to music. He even showed his vulnerability by talking about loneliness etc so there's definitely some bit of connection. The date was good and we talked quite a bit, had dinner at some dodgy Japanese place at Cuppage Plaza for 3 hours and then we hopped over to the old post office for a drink. It was nice and he's interesting. After I got home, I texted him to thank him at the end and said I had fun and he replied saying the same. BUT, yes, again, as with most things in life, there's a BUT. So there, BUT he's got no social grace!!

The next day, my colleague told me she's got some free tickets for the Asian Festival of First Film and there're quite some free tickets circulating around and knowing that he's the super artsy sort (he's some artsy lecturer after all), I texted him asking if he'd like some free tickets. And guess what? He didn't even reply me. Didn't even bother to say "Thanks, but no thanks". I wasn't even asking him out cos I only asked if he would want some tickets.

Now first thing first. I'm NOT smitten by him. Yes, I'm interested cos he's got depth and so far, he's one of the ones I can really talk to among the guys that I've gone on dates with and yes, it'd be nice to see him again. BUT, I didn't think THAT far to even picture a romantic future together, let alone the fact that I'm in a phase where I'm actually quite happy being single and at times would rather be left alone.

Nonetheless, I assumed after tons of very long emails, I do consider him as a friend and would like to keep in contact cos we have common interests. So I'm perfectly cool to just be friends cos after all, he's not exactly that physically attractive to me. Much as he's got substance, he's got crooked teeth, narrow shoulders, very small hands and he isn't that tall too. (oh well, the thing about man with small hands? It's really true...you go figure). So it's not like I'm dying to go on dates with him.

So thing is, instead of texting me back to say that he wouldn't need the tickets or that he's not keen, he just didn't reply. And that was me being nice and offering him free movie tickets. It was a nice gesture, a kind favor. So even if he hasn't got any intention to go on dates again, he should at the very least have the courtesy and decency of an educated, good-mannered homosapien to just decline the offer.

What he's done simply displays a lack of social grace...(and perhaps a lack of testicular fortitude too?). You know what? It is perfectly OKAY to say no but there's simply no social grace in ignoring an sms that warrants a reply. Now I'm no angel myself cos I met some guy I'm totally not comfortable with for coffee the other day and when he called me the next day, I simply didn't pick up the phone but think about it, seriously, a text message is different. You ought to reply because it's not intrusive and even when the guy I'm uncomfy with texted me after the meet-up, I replied him. So let alone a nice gesture to offer free movie tickets. But if it's a phone call, it's probably a bit different cos I think it's okay to not pick up. You can't expect me to pick up the call and say "Hello, but you know what? I'm not comfortable with you and I have enough friends and I don't need anymore and I don't wanna small talk with you nor deal with you, so don't call me"? I think a more tactful way is to not pick up the phone really. But message? It's different....

So here's how to say NO nicely....

Scenario 1: My situation
You: Hey you have anything on Thursday night? Cos I have a bunch of free tickets for the Asian Festival of First Film, are you keen to get some?
Date: Hey thanks for the offer, but I already have plans so another time maybe
OR
Date: Hey, I'm really not that keen, you should give it to someone who's really interested but thanks anyway.

SEE! No need to do the whole ignoring sms thing! You say NO while showing that you're a well-brought up sensible adult with good manners

Scenario 2...you're not keen after one date and the guy or whoever's keen and text you
Date: Hey, it was great meeting you. I had so much fun and let's do this again soon!
You: :)
Now, you see, instead of promising statement/reply like "Oh I had fun too, sure thing, see you soon". Just put a smiley face instead and if the dude asks you out again, just nicely decline by saying you're busy

Scenario 3...Date tells you that he/she really likes you
Date: Hey, I'm so glad I met you cos I really do like you. I had a fun time.
You: Hey, nice to meet you too and I'm great to have a new friend
Here, the use of the word "FRIEND" conveys the message....so again, no need to ignore the sms

So you see, you don't have to give a bloody cold hard NO or do the chicken thing by ignoring the sms! You can say NO in a tactful manner and STILL maintaining your SOCIAL GRACE! As for my disappearing guy, well, after displaying a lack of social ettiquette and testicular fortitude, his tiny hands situation and crooked teeth do bug me big time...so Please exit stage left thank you! NEXT! psssst....I've got another 2 more dates lined up anyway ;)