The Lexicon of B

Someone just asked me how come I signed off as "B" and don't use my actual name.

Well, dearie, when you have a name that even your own folks have problem pronouncing, you're better off reducing it to a single alphabet so that it has almost near zero chance of getting it enunciated wrongly (unless, of course you have Dyslexia).

Seriously, I haven't a single clue why my dad gave me the weirdo name "Bertha". Come on, it fucking sounds fat. Other than a strong association to a particular Callyway golf club that supposedly is big and never miss a fucking ball, the name "Bertha" epitomizes big fat 6-foot tall German mama with a moustache. It's also a name commonly used on mean, old and crusty character in many fiction books. I think there's a mean Aunt Bertha in Harry Potter if my memory didn't fail me.

Lousy associations aside, it can't be more annoying when I hear it getting mispronounced all the time. So I give up. Just fucking call me B and here's a list of how my name's being mis-pronounced:

• Ber-fa (that's how my name is commonly pronounced when I was living in Hong Kong, the hongkie seems to have problem pronouncing -th-)
  
• Ber-ta (now here's the common singaporean version, like the hongkie, singaporeans can't do the -th- well either cos they say stuff like "Oh I tink I'm very tirsty")
  
• Berf-ta (I'm not naming names but it's a Singaporean who was attempting to do the -th- in my name right...sigh)
  
• Bar-sa-san (courtesy of the many Japanese pricks I used to work with)
  
• Be-arh-taaaahh (Trust the french to screw up names with a German root, it's as disgusting as foie gras)
  
• Bata (as in the lousy shoe shop that most people think is the acronym of Buy-And-Throw-Away)
  
• Burcha (don't ask me why, but it was written in black and white in an invoice supposedly addressed to me)
  
• Batik (yes, as in the indonesian art of making tie-dye cloth...it's far-fetched I know but I have many ex-colleagues who heard the warehouse guy from my old company called me that *eyeroll*)
  
• Bernard (another warehouse person from my previous company...she obviously couldn't pronounce "Bertha" so when she tried to call me on the phone, she went like "Harrow harrow, er er..I'm looking for ber ber, er ber, Bernard ah!")
  
• Brenda (Did they not teach spelling properly in school or what???)
  
• Ber-tel (there's this short-lived ex-manager of mine who went around mispronouncing everyone's name and my ex-colleague, Rosemarie, was called Roast-Mariah!! Yes, it's "roast" and not rose becos she incidentally also got the habit of adding a "t" with words that ends with an "s" sound so Rose sounds like "roast" when she said it)
  
• Boo-tu (some annoying friend who choose to call me this!!!! You know who you are!!! You Goondoo!)
  

So here you go folks...the lexicon of B....a ridiculous, hilarious and goosebumps inducing one....