Friday, June 24, 2005

Peril of empty apartment and decaying corpse

I miss home. I miss having company in my apartment cos I'm sick of going back to an empty home everyday cos it makes me feel really isolated. This is one of those times that I miss having my naggy quarrelsome mom and aloof dad. I hate this feeling cos it makes me feel lonely and weak, as if I'm not able to be by myself and independent.

Thing is, to many, they envy the fact that I have the whole apartment to myself and not having my mom around to nag about not leaving your socks on the floor or bags on the sofa. By try doing that for 12 years since 14 years old and you might just feel the way I feel.

Sure it was good when I first started out living alone away from my family. No curfew, no nagging and you get to literally walk around the apartment buck naked. I was overjoyed and thrilled at first, thriving on the independence. But slowly as the years go by, the initial thrill started to wean off. Especially when days where I'm so sick that I could hardly get out of bed but still have to struggle my way to the doctor or hospital all by myself. I hate that.

I do have friends to hang out with but there's only so much friends can offer and my boyfriend isn't exactly there all the time. But it's a different thing cos having your own family around does make a bit of a difference. How exactly I can't really pinpoint but somehow I feel better, as if there's a sense of security with their presence that tells you that there're people who love you and that everything's gonna be fine.

As I grow older, I'm starting to feel that I need more of that emotional security and assurance. I dunno why but my older friends told me it's just a sign of growing older and realizing that your family and loved ones are more important than say a pair of Gucci shoes or nabbing a new exciting job. Ultimately, it's that higher emotional needs that goes beyond daily survival that really need to be fulfilled. I long for the physical presence of those that I love cos I feel lonely sometimes.

What seems really tragic but realistic is what I used to tell my friends. I say to them, if I die in my room, nobody would know it until months later when my rotting dead body starts to reek up the whole neighborhood. Think about it. If I don't turn up for work and don't pick up calls, my boss would think that I"m simply playing punk and going AWOL cos after all, she knows how she and Jabba The Hutt mistreat me. And if my friends and parents call and I don't pick up, they'll think that I'm just too busy or being a bitch and don't bother picking up nor replying. Then, if my boyfriend calls and I don't answer, he'll think that I'm just getting psycho and getting mad at stupid things and wouldn't wanna talk to him. And the next thing is, before they know it, they see my face in the home news section that reads "Decayed Body Found in Braddell". That's one of the worst nightmare I have really. One that I really dread and probably one that makes me sound like I'm some 84-year-old old bitch who live by myself. It's tragically depressing.
(err...Becky, if you're reading'll say that "Eh but I'm home what!" But think about it, if you come back and knock on the door and I don't answer, you'll think I'm asleep and you having bad sinus and having a blocked nose all the time, wouldn't notice that my dead decaying flesh is in fact rotting away!)

Sigh...I guess I'm just feeling needy now...but really, I hate my living arrangement.

1 comment:

beracahvalley said... i feel that way also but it is not that bad right? maybe can call back home more often? our mum is starting to talk to cats more than humans.


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