I love you but I'm not in love with you?

I think we've probably heard it more than a dozen times especially on TV or Hollywood films and I bet some of you out there have even used it on someone, but when people say "I love you but I'm not in love with you", it really puzzles me...and mind you, I've been at the receiving end of this statement years ago and I got all broken hearted but then even till now, I still don't quite get how is it possible that you love someone but you're not in love with the person...how does that work? Cos for me, if I'm not in love with the person, I simply don't love the person period.

I've asked a few friends who have used this phrase on someone and after mulling on what they said, it occurs to me that perhaps they're using the word LOVE too loosely. Like a friend of mine fell madly in love with this girl some months back, he told her "I love you" at month #2, was swearing to everyone that she's the one but at month #6, he suddenly told me that somehow it didn't feel the same etc, yeah the usual... and before I knew it, he said he broke up with her saying he loved her but he simply wasn't in love with her. Sad. Then another couple friends of mine, after being together for 2 years and married for 3, they decided to part ways because they're not in love anymore though they love each other. I said how does that work? They said they "love" each other and care for each other deeply and obviously have feelings for each other but they just didn't feel "in love" anymore and after many quarrels, they decided that they're not great as married couple. Then another girlfriend who THOUGHT she loved this guy, then 1 year down the road, she met someone new at work, sparks flew and she split up with her boyfriend cos she and the boyfriend never quite had that kind of sparks she has with the current beau, and that she loved her boyfriend but isn't in love anymore....

I see....you know what? It seems to me that people who use the phrase have got a very warped idea of love and I think they've watched too much Hollywood romantic movies to expect that warm fuzzy "just fell madly in love" feeling to last forever. Once things taper and the honeymoon period wanes, they feel that they're not in love anymore cos that exciting thrill of new love is gone. That definitely sounds more like the case to me for sure.

A very wise friend J once told me that she thinks the "honeymoon" period you have with your partner isn't a real relationship because it's honeymoon and everything is real and exciting. The real relationship only sets in after all the excitement goes off and deeper love and companionship set in and that a lot of people mistook that first blush of love with its heady warm fuzz as real relationship. Oh well said, she makes a lot of sense and she's much younger than I am!

Then I remember when my ex told me he loved me but he wasn't in love with me, I was so heartbroken that my father flew over here to spend some time with me. When I told him that my ex said the feelings have changed, my father said "Well, look, he's just immature because you cannot based everything on feelings. Feelings can't be there all the time. You know when your mom and I got married, I couldn't stand her and there were so many days I woke up without the so-called feelings but did I dump her? No, why? Because marriage is a promise and you stick through it. And after I ride through the bad patch, I've come to really appreciate the marriage, so this whole feeling thing can't be a good gauge and you can't always act on feelings. If one day I wake up and I FEEL depressed and I wanna slash my wrist, do I do it? You don't cos you know you can't just act on feelings and impulse and if people can think that way on simple things, I think they need to learn to think that way on relationship too."

Oh how I love my dad....he said what he said and made everything better cos at that point, I knew he was right and if I hadn't broken up with my ex at that point, he would one day tell me the same thing later anyway cos it's a matter of time...

So thing is, I don't believe that you can truly LOVE someone but not be in love with the person. Otherwise, you're just using the term "love" too loosely and it ain't love...it could be affection or care and concern but it's not love...yes, you can love someone and not be in love with them when it comes to non-romantic love, like I love my sister but I'm obviously not in love with her...but when it comes to romantic love, I don't think that works.....and the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing is just a way to sweeten the break up deal and alleviate the guilt.....So yeah, I'm not the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" person, I'm the "I love you and I'm in love with you" girl.....