This is kind of a part 2 of my previous post Cheating? Yes? No? Maybe? cos previously I rant about the boundary that defines cheating...like what would you consider cheating? A lie? A kiss? Emotional involvement? Or must it include pure sexual penetration to be categorized as cheating?....anyway I've concluded that just because there's no penetration doesn't mean it's not cheating and lying (about other women etc, not your simple "honey you don't look fat in this" kind of white lie) is just like cheating too (cos you think about it, if you cheat, you lie)...And 100% of the girls whom I talked to agree with me....So the conclusion is, men and women have very different definition of what cheating is and men usually think that cheating must involve penetration whereas women consider emotional involvement and lying as cheating.
Now come the next topic. If your boyfriend/girlfriend had a drunken one-night-stand that is a big mistake, would you rather know it? Or do you think ignorance is really bliss? In another words, would you rather your partner lie or withhold information and you happily carry on the relationship not knowing that he/she cheated or would you rather know it, get upset/hurt/angry and then decide whether you'd like to forgive and work on salvaging the damage? This is of course assuming that you're not dumping your partner and want to salvage the relationship....
BB said he would rather lie about it to save the relationship...OGT said the big picture is more important and if it's a genuine mistake, a lie is better....Ah Meow said she wants truth but then can't decide if she wants to know or not and later said she wants to know. Princess said lie. C-lee said she definitely wants to know cos they'll always say it's a mistake cos (verbatim) "He's not gonna bloody say oh yeahhh I waaaaaant herrr!" and C-lee said if he's done it once he would do it again and she doesn't believe it's just gonna be a one-off thing...
I initially said I want the truth to BB but actually, I'm now undecided...cos I can't make up my mind where my stand is. Cos having been cheated on so many times, I know how shitty the heart break feels, it literally feels like your heart being ripped out and the pain stays with you for months and it haunts you. You go through hell and it's something I wouldn't wish on my enemy. So yes, a part of me would prefer to have my heart intact if it really is a genuine mistake. BUT, there's this part of me who thinks that not knowing it feels as if I get conned into living a lie...only that it's one that I have no knowledge about...imagine finding out one day after having lived most of your life thinking that it's a clean record when it's in fact stained? So I really dunno...I'm seriously sitting on the fence on this one....What you don't know won't kill you but it might very well come back to bite you in the back on day...so..dunno....
I remember one incident many years back. It wasn't about me but it was about this couple I know who's also friends of my then-boyfriend. They're this pair of super staunch catholic who have been saving their virginity for marriage. The lady is a super gorgeous girl and the guy is cute and really very very decent and they were about to get married soon and on his stag night, he apparently went MIA and all the boys couldn't find him. The next day the guy called my ex to tell him that he left the pub with a china girl and they went to a hotel and had sex. He did it 5 times that night with her. My ex told me and we were both shell shocked cos if you know him, you would think he is the last person on earth who would cheat. And he didn't even use a condom! And that sordid affair happened another 2 times before he finally cut it off entirely. I was told that I couldn't breathe a word to the fiancee cos it would mean the relationship is over and it was "just a mistake".
I simply felt so sorry for the fiancee. Of course I never said a thing but I wouldn't want to be in her position too. They did get marry but I think she never found out about the sordid affair. Well, he said it's an honest mistake but I don't think so cos if it happened once, I could still call it a mistake but it happened another 2 times? That's out of the question. I dunno if they're still happily married cos I'm no longer in contact with them (so they're not reading my blog, don't worry), but if they are, I can't help but feel that their marriage is a sham cos they saved their virginity for 7 years (!!!Yes no joke!) for marriage but he had an affair and made the entire marriage and relationship a farce......I would rather be faced with a major heartbreak than live a life of lies...worse when there are other people who knew and she's in the dark....what would you choose? Truth or ignorance? How important is the truth really? What say you?
8 comments:
Miss B, such an interesting topic :)
It really depends on how tight the guy can keep this secret. If he can keep the secret to himself & bring it to the coffin, I'd rather not knowing what happened. However, nowadays it's so difficult to keep a secret. Just like your other post, I'm sure that guy wanted to hide all the dirt to himself but somehow Miss B you exposed his dirty history. In this case, I'd rather know the truth upfront, then I'd decide whether I choose to forgive or not, than be kept in the dark for years and then eventually found out & wonder what more had happened all these while :)
Anyway, your story about your ex's friends is shocking! 5 times at one night & without a condom? That's bad as he couldn't wait for that few more nights to do it with his wife? And what about the other 2 times?
Hey Amanda,
Yes, I know what you mean when you said if he can keep the secret to his grave, I'd rather not know. Thing is, it's always a million times worse when it gets busted and found out cos the degree of betrayal is always a lot more when it's found out by the other party. But the my friend (C-lee) on the other hand believes there's no such thing as mistake and if the guy can do it once, he would do it again...that I dunno man...quite a scary concept don't you think?
Yes, my ex's friend's case is really bad. Like I said, we were all very very shocked. Cos he was all holy and all and really doesn't look like the type who would cheat, let alone cheat on his stag night when his virginity is concerned. We think it's perhaps got to do with suppression maybe? I dunno but still, it's not an excuse. But it's very tragic. I dunno about the other two times. All I knew was the china girl kept calling him and he met her twice at some dodgy hotel but cut it all clean a bit before his wedding...eeks...sigh...
To know or not to know - that is the question...
hmmm, really undecided which is the better of the two.
To know from the offending party will be really shitty, because the sense of betrayal will be overwhelming. but of course to know from a third party it will be shitty^infinity.
sometimes as humans we have an escapist mentality, rather not hearing any bad news so as not to burden our rosy world with "unnecessary data".
I don't really agree with C-lee that if he/she did it once, he/she will do it again. As humans we have the potential to be selfish, each
seeking what is beneficial to oneself before others. And sometimes when placed in an "ideal situation" (drunkenness in this example), good judgement and responsibility will give way to passion, lust and temptation.
On that note, my stand is that if he/she did it twice, he/she will do it again. A chance will likely (and I say likely because I am not a saint and can give second chance for everything) be given for the first mistake. Sometimes people are like the child that needs to burn his/her hands on a hot pot and they know never to do it again.
In conclusion to my super long comment, I feel that as a responsible party in a committed relationship, you shouldn't put yourself in a position where the probability of betraying your partner is high in the first place. (i.e. Don't get drunk, know your limits. If the "he" meets with a girl friend or the "she" meets with a guy friend, don't go to secluded places. And of course, hang out with the right friends, some "friends" are assholes that wouldn't think twice about having a few "side dishes" and chances of you getting influenced is high.)
Hey Samuel,
Wow you have really long comment! But I like what you said! And I totally agree with you on the last bit where committed people shouldn't put themselves in "dodgy" situation where there's a high chance to cheat like with some slutty girl or horny man who's trying to prey on you once you have a couple of drinks...
But let's just say if people have good morals like you, then perhaps there wouldn't be so much relationship and marital troubles...
Haha, no la, I'm no saint.
But when growing up, I always see in shows where the guy will have some "side dish" and then it destroys his family (wife leaves him, children get all messed up) and I remember telling myself even as a kid that I don't want to be that kind of guy when I grow up.
Those shows must have made some kind of impact on my life.
That being said, I can't honestly say that I will 100% not eat side dish if I was placed in that "ideal situation". So prevention is better than cure. Don't put myself in such a situation = 100% no chance to eat side dish.
Hmmm...good that you watched those show but I guess when you're about to cheat, it's probably sex and carnal thoughts you have and messing up your children's lives and hurting your partner are the last thing in your head...How I hope human beings are those who mate for life like swans or something...then no more issue...
But I really do think men are generally more inclined to cheat because of testosterone. It's really quite sad.
And it doesn't help when you hear first hand stories of your friends cheating...in the past it used to be a "friend's friend" kind of thing and now I get all kind of people telling me about their affairs and stuff. It's depressing and makes me feel paranoid cos it happens all the time. Sad really.
Well, for me, I would rather know it now, when it bloody happens. If I can forgive, the relationship goes on. If I can't, I would give it up now, rather than having to find out when we have a family and all. Anyway, it's high chance that I will give up on the relationship. For me, having an affair is unforgivenable. He already betrayed me physically and in addition emotionally?! Just how much does he love me? Duh...
As to your friend's case. he did it without a condom. Can you imagine the consequences?!! Illegitimate child, or worse some STD... How much does he love his spouse?!
@aya_leng...ya I'd rather know too. But that guy who did it with the china woman without protection, he supposedly love his wife a lot and supposedly felt damn bad. I said rubbish and "pui" cos he did it a couple more times after his stag night. I dunno how they are now....maybe still happily married. Who knows...
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