A silly label BB made for me (bobo...damn now you know my pet name) after he bought a label maker...to me, it's so precious despite it's just a silly label...I keep it close...awww...(my friend Shawn would be thinking "this is so unlike Miss B, barf")
Anyway, thing is, I've never thought I would actually feel the separation anxiety so much. Before he left for his trip 2 weeks ago, I actually thought I would do fine and I was even looking forward to having the whole bed to myself so I can sleep like a star fish but then when he left, I felt totally off...like something's missing and he apparently felt the same way. In fact, the first night that I was alone, instead of relishing sleeping diagonally like a star fish in bed, I could not even sleep...and mind you, I'm someone who under normal circumstance, would NEVER be able to sleep properly with a person next to me....
The funny thing is both of BB and I used to be people who enjoy solitude and for me, in the past, when a then-boyfriend left for overseas trip, I felt a strange sense of relief which I couldn't explain and I totally enjoy the time alone and when the guy came back, I felt maladjusted. Is there such a thing as "reunion anxiety" if there's separation anxiety? But with BB, it's just different. We both said that his home-coming (yes, a bit dramatic despite that it's just been 2 weeks) felt like Christmas to both of us and we were both excited and thrilled as if it's some kind of festivity...yeah, that Christmas, New Year's Eve and CNY feeling that make you feel so excited cos you know good stuff (holiday and food) is ahead? That's how I felt...
Whatever happened to the time where I'm totally chilled and even happy that my partner is away?? I've changed I think...my friend Shawn (aka the "Aunty Magnet" lol) kept telling me that I've changed into a totally different person cos he told me before BB, I wasn't the kind who would wanna settle down with a guy or feel totally devoted to a boyfriend and I was always cynical about men (what to do? too many crash and burn episodes)...but since BB, he said I've changed into a completely opposite person....sickeningly in love.....not that I'm getting married now but I finally feel happy and settled in a proper relationship and I'm happy and thrilled to stick with BB for the long haul.
In fact, it's the first time in my whole life that I feel this way cos I've never felt this safe, settled and stable before....I guess it's a good thing and you know what? I'm trying to further break down the inner cynic and pessimist by actually blogging about it....cos I'm always afraid of jinxing something good cos you know how the moment you blog about it, something shit would happen? Like you'll break up, or he'd cheat or he'd fall out of love? That's always been something that deters me from talking much about BB cos I know I have lots to lose...but then maybe it's time to let go of the fear and move forward and feel okay to talk about it and be fearless for once! Now, that's a bloody big step for me....cos the last time I did something like that (by listing "in a relationship on Facebook), I crashed and burnt 2 weeks after...rats...so I'm really trying now...and I'm keeping my fingers crossed
!! :)
Anyway, BB got me a little something! A Pandora bead to add to my collection on my Pandora bracelet! Woot!
I love it! It's silver and gold combo and it's got a little gold heart in the middle! Haha...my first gold accented Pandora bead! :)
8 comments:
Hey, sounds like me too. So you guys live together I suppose. I moved in about 8 mths ago with my bf as well - it was super scary at first, we kept thinking, are we moving too fast etc etc. Anyway, worried for nothing, it turned out wonderful and much better (no longer have to wonder, are we meeting today?) Anyway, i feel the same way you do, but sometimes I wonder if i've lost my independence too!
Hey Jess,
It's nice you're settling in with your bf! I guess it's important that you can live together cos some couples don't...so I guess we're the lucky ones.
We're not exactly living together but we're kinda. I say "not exactly" because we both have our own place but then because BB's previous lease for his rented apartment was up, he's recently moved over to the block across mine haha...so we're just 2 minutes away from each other but we stay at each other's apartment every night, so we're really like living together in a way...
Haha..I don't think it's losing independence in the big sense but in a nice way, you have someone whom you can't quite live without...
Relationship is such a scary yet great thing don't you think? I still get paranoid a lot haha..
Hi,
yep, I suppose we're lucky, but still, I think it just seems like the logical thing to do after a while! I'm surprised so many couples here can jump into marriage without even living with each other first. It's more of a decision isn't it.
Love is such a wonderful thing. So beautiful, fragile and scary all at the same time. And I don't think you're insane - haha sometimes i get really paranoid as well. Like when Matthew, bf, doesn't pick up i have these images of him sprawled somewhere (and this is after 2.5 years). On the other hand, when I don't pick up the phone, he thinks I didn't hear it ring and shrugs it off. We're weird sometimes huh, us girls.
For me, I get paranoid cos I have a freaking good track record of getting crashed and burnt and cheated on. I had tons of really shit relationships before that left me super heartbroken, so it's a bit hard for me to believe things would actually work out cos the previous "trauma"...it's not to say I judge BB based on previous experiences but then it's more a matter of me not believing things will work out for me...very pessimistic I know...but oh well..
Oh and I get paranoid when I hear news of people cheating. It happens so damn often and I personally know quite a lot of people who cheated or are cheating...it's tragic and some of them are those whom you'd think would never cheat...so whenever I hear stuff like this, I scares me and make me feel jaded...like yesterday I read Ronan Keating ratted on his wife of 12 years with a blond dancer and they're divorcing...and I thought he was super devoted blah blah blah...creepy no? So I guess it's not that we're crazy to be paranoid but perhaps our environment makes us so? Dunno....
Hey, yep, was cheated on before too. But I must admitted that I cheated on someone before too (sigh, regret that). I think that may actually weirdly be the reason why I somtimes don't trust my boyfriend. I think, if i can do it so can he.
He calls it projection.
Anyway, yep, lots of cheating going on nowadays. Its sad really. Having been on both sides of the fence, I realise you're just really cheating yourself out of what could have been a great relationship. You're introducing lies, and guilt.
What's the point really? I don't get it. Once I dated a guy, not knowing he had a girlfriend, and when I found out he said: I want to marry her, but have some fun with you.
What a horrible relationship they must have.
Anyway, don't worry. BB seems like a great guy. There is a rule in our relationship, which is never lie - even about the smallest things.
Anyway,
Oh Jess, I totally hear you! I can totally relate cos I had similar experience when my ex (was a fiancee, yearsssss ago..long story) cheated on me, I kinda verbally agreed to work it out but then I cheated on him cos he was never there and there was this guy friend who was forever there kind of scenario. It's lame cos no excuse, cheating is cheating, regardless of the circumstance. But yes, after that, it affected my next relationship cos I kept thinking the guy was cheating on me cos I couldn't trust myself. And "Projection" is quite a spot on word! But I guess the good thing is, I vowed never ever to repeat the same mistake and I've never since and will never do it.
And what a jerk that guy you dated was!! I would kick him in the nuts for you! I hate people like that! And I have absolutely no respect for people who cheat cos it shows a lack of character and integrity. But it's scary how some people cheat and think it's okay, like totally have no sense of regret whatsoever and would openly lie...I wonder how they sleep at night...
I guess with the paranoid thing, it comes and goes, especially for girls cos we can get hormonal but then when I get really paranoid, I'll just tell myself, no point thinking about it and speculating on things or getting upset over things that aren't true to begin with. Worry it when it happens...
I believe what comes round goes around anyway. Read your Cullen Post. I dated a Credit Suisse banker (also met on Match) that was just like him as well. Well in the end, he wanted me back, and told me he thought I was "the one". I was like "nah, u cheated on me and I can't trust you. So what's the point. How can I marry someone like you." Sure felt good.
Hey Jess, sorry to hear about the cheating banker! Yeah I believe in karma too but the Henry Cullen guy I dated was a league of his own when cheaters are concerned. I was shocked to find out so much dirt!! I wonder how he managed to sleep at night....
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